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In a marketing ploy that could only have been thought up by a gang of bonged out monkeys, www.searchwithkevin.com is a new online search engine that allows users to “Search the internet with Kevin Federline!” By using the site you can win autographed K-Fed memorabilia, although sadly, used wife-beaters, uncreased Yankees hats, and gold chains aren’t being offered. The same company that came up with this idea is also behind a few new promotions that you might see in the coming weeks–”Pick up chicks with Pacman Jones”, “Needle safety with Pete Doherty”, and “Contraceptive use with Tom Brady”.

In the meantime, check out these pics of Alabama-bred hottie Courtney Cox. Sure, she played an eye-gougingly huge pain in the ass on TV, but she’s still a smoking-hot MILF and a potential cougar rolled into one. Enjoy, you little bastards.

Rumors are afoot that sexy southern hotness Reese Witherspoon is leaving LA and moving to Charleston SC with her two children. Reese is adorably southern and Charleston is adorably quaint. And her accent? OMG. I feel like hugging a little wrinkly puppy while dancing in a field of poppies, y’all.

Thoroughly disgusted with both marriage and Hollywood, Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon believes firmly in her Southern roots. She has taken her children and moved to Charleston, S.C. Both kids are said to be in public school there. (source)

I’m glad to see Reese is getting back to her southern roots and coming back down to live with her people. Charleston is hip, yet refined, historic without being stodgy and didn’t get ruined in a hurricane last year. Win-win. It’s also dripping with co-eds who are more than eager to welcome you with acts of southern hospitality. Holla back COC & MUSC! Welcome home Reese. We’ll swing by with some mac & cheese and potato salad to get you all settled in.

Here’s about the closest thing I could find to how cute Reese is:

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Check out Lacey Chabert in the January issue of Maxim magazine where she talks about her upcoming movie, Party of Five, life in Hollywood and growing up in the sizzling south.

In your new movie, you’re being terrorized by a maniac who’s been locked in an attic. Do you survive?
I can’t say. But I do have one really cool scene where I go under the house to reset the circuit breaker and he chases me. I’m crawling through the mud on my stomach, trying to get away, and I have mud in my eyes, in my teeth, up my nose…I was sneezing mud for two days after that. (source)

Did she say crawling through the mud on her stomach? I love horror films. Especially horror films where Santa is the bad guy and is ultra naughty. And horror films where Santa is the bad guy chasing a sexy, southern innocent chick is ultra naughty in a way that only inhabits my dreams. I’m not saying this is the plot for her upcoming movie Black Christmas (opening Christmas Day), I’m saying this is the plot for the screenplay in my mind. A mind is a terrible thing. Check out these terrible scans of Lacey Chabert in the January edition of Maxim.

Britney Spears was recently voted ‘world’s worst celebrity dog owner’. When asked about owner Britney, her dogs replied, “woof woof, bitch, bark bark”.

Britney Spears’ parenting skills are being called into question once again. This time she’s been voted the world’s worst celebrity dog owner in an online vote conducted by two dog magazines.
“Britney was the overwhelming choice,” Hilary O’Hagan, editor of The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines, said in a statement picked up by the Associated Press.
“She once had three Chihuahuas … and never left home without at least one of them on her arm,” O’Hagan said. “As soon as she met K-Fed and had kids they (the dogs) disappeared.”
Paris Hilton placed second for “treating her dogs like accessories.” Oprah Winfrey, who owns five dogs (not including Stedman), was voted this year’s best celebrity dog owner. The talk-show host replaced 2005 winner Joss Stone, and beat out fellow dog owners Tori Spelling and Nicollette Sheridan. (source)

When I see Britney, a lot of worsts come to mind, like: worst woman to sing at your funeral, or worst candidate for an underwear ad, or worst posterchild for literacy…the list goes on. But you’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to be voted worst celebrity dog owner by not one, but two, dog magazines. Owning a dog is easy: eat, sleep, poop, fetch. It’s not rocket science, we’re dealing with a creature that licks its butt and goes for the fake ball throw every time.

In a recent statement taken by voraciously ethical and truthful gossip reporters, Kevin Federline alleges he is indeed a family man. At present, a team of linguists are still working to determine the definition of family. Is it a nuclear unit of humans that live together in a nurturing stable environment, or a trail of white trash spawn, abandoned and forgotten like puppies in the river? We may never know.

Kevin Federline wants you to know that he’s not 100 percent pimp. In an interview with E! News, he claims, “I am a family man and that is me, that is the truth, that is in all honesty.” (source)

Kevin Federline isn’t fit to care for a lump of coal, let alone anything that breathes and requires food. Between Britney and Kevin, it’s a wonder Sean and Jayden haven’t worked out a plan to escape that involves a marbles, a makeshift ladder, a cell phone, the family dog and dressing up in little tuxedos while playing musical instruments. Babies in tuxedos are cute!

So what does Kristen Bell have to do with Britney and Kevin? Nothing. She’s just so cute it makes me giggle.