Call your mother. So she can slap your ass and spray-paint your panties ’cause I’M BACK, BITCHES! Your favorite potty-mouthed sweetcake has resurfaced for some sexy, southern action and I figure there’s no better comeback than a nip-slip! Former “OC”? star Mischa Barton was caught by cameras last night in London at The Berkeley Hotel. Thank you, sweet cameraman’ err, cameraperson, or whore. Whatever. We’re not sexist here at FB&C. Oh fuck it, yes we are.

I’ve traveled abroad, and it’s something about the jet lag and cheap first-class champagne that makes you want to show your tits on the street corner. Or maybe that’s just me? Cheerio! NSFW after the jump you dirty birds.

National Enquirer is about as reliable as a condom with rug burns. That said, they have a rumor that young actress Mischa Barton is depressed. Since leaving “The O.C.”, she feels as though her life is growing out of control.

Troubled beauty Mischa Barton has been so depressed she’s threatened suicide, even saying she’d kill her beloved dog, according to gossip blogger Janet Charlton.

However, Mischa’s publicist Dominique Appel denies that Mischa was suicidal or had threatened her dog. Appel told The ENQUIRER that “the bandaged wrist was the result of her accidental encounter with a broken glass.”

But a source told The ENQUIRER: “She’s in a bad place right now.” (source)

Aww. Depwessed? Bad Pwace? Bad place my ass. Jesus girl, the dog too? You’re pretty well fucked up, but what does that have to do with your dog?  I guess money, success and beauty can’t buy happiness. Whatever. You’re rich, pretty and really, really famous. I have some therapy for you. Suck. It. Up. Please shut the fuck up and stay away from your dog.

It’s always the skinny, white rich bitches who cry the loudest. You know that fat chick with the pizza face who works at the food court when you go on $20K shopping sprees? Yeah, well she would carve out and eat her own liver to live one day in your entitled, undeserving strappy sandals. You don’t need counseling, you need a god damn black eye. Let me see you out whining about anything. I will physically tackle you, girl. I promise. Brat.