So my dream of landing Hollywood’s last unruined unmarried hottie is now over. BriAusGree and MeFo were married in Hawai’i last week and blah blah blah. Let the Pulitzer candidates at Star tell you what happened.

“They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests!” the insider tells Star. “They had so many security people that they had to call in local security because the hotel security alone wouldn’t do. It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.”

The location of the wedding — which took place Thursday or Friday — was the Four Seasons Hualalai at Historic Ka’upulehu on the big island of Hawaii. The hotel has many amenities like a golf course and a spa. The hotel is known for throwing big, A-list weddings.

If you made it through that. Wait! There’s mo’…

Just days earlier Megan had lost her two-carat diamond engagement ring from Excalibur jewelry store in Beverly Hills in the Hawaiian sand after Brian re-proposed. After much searching the ring was not found.

And by much searching they mean Brian Austin Green crawling around in tears while Megan huffed. “All this sun is making me tired… *makes pouty  face, blows Tiki bartender*

Not too long ago Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox’s boyfriend, took to his Twitter account to answer questions from his followers. I think it is cool when celebrities do this but the fact that he is cockblocking me from ever having sex with Megan Fox, I dislike it. He was asked if he was married with kids and he said he was engaged and had two kids.

This basically means, even though there has been no public announcement, that Megan Fox is engaged again. It is reports like this that make me want to work for a pool cleaning company so I can be Megan Fox’s pool boy. You know rich chicks like having affairs with their pool boy. It is like a law or something. When you make over a million in a year and you make claims on your taxes, sleeping with the pool boy is a write off.

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As stimulating as it is to see the words Megan Fox and sex tape in the same sentence, my boner is about to get a lot more depressed. She tells MTV that she looks disgusting during sex and watching it would be like that of a hippo mating. I say where is her consensus? Make the tape, release it and then let the public decide.

Of course Megan is the typical Hollywood hottie and she doesn’t believe in anything like public opinion and she will just assume that people do not wanna see a sex tape of her which is very, very wrong. In the meantime I will stop by the theatre and see Jennifer’s Body in the hopes of at least seeing her tits but if that were the case the news would have already leaked onto the internet so I do not see that happening either. God damn. Why the fuck does Megan Fox have to be so fucking disappointing on a Wed. afternoon?

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Links that do what the public wants

Pamela Anderson is dating an electrician- IDLYITW

Taylor Swift is popular- notorious news

Cute college girl of the day- College Humor

Kim Catrall looks stupid no matter what her hair is like- Holy Moly

The Kardashian sisters at war?- popbytes

The Kardashian’s have jungle fever- Amy Grindhouse

John Mayer is the king of good pussy- IDLYITW

Oo la la. Megan Fox turns the world on with her hotness on a daily basis everywhere she goes but she is about to get even more hotter if that is even possible. She is going to squeeze into a super tight black leather catwoman suit in the next Batman movie. People believed that Batman would never be able to outdo himself after the award winning performance by Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight, but I think they just outdid themselves.

Of course this is a movie for science fiction geeks and superhero losers and their mommy would drag them out of the theatre at the first sign of Megan Fox nudity so this is yet just another notch in the belt of no nudity for Megan Fox. We will get there. As God as my witness we will get there. Someday.

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Links that fight crime with their breasts

Lindsay Lohan might be getting her own reality show- IDLYITW

Kristen Stewart bitches about being a lazy whore- Allie Is Wired

Joanna Krupa is pretty- Drunken Stepfather

Ciara’s coinslot- Celeb News Wire

Cute college girl of the day- College Humor

Blake Lively is 22- IDLYITW

What else is there to say. Nothing gives me more hope on a Tuesday morning and confirms the beleif that al is right in the world than the news that Megan Fox is indeed single. There are a lot of men out there who are chomping at the bit to date and maybe even fuck Megan Fox but she says she already has a man in mind.

She refers to him as a “Korean Justin Timberlake”. What a fucking bummer. You figure since everyone and their brother is deeply in love with Megan Fox that after months or years of dating Brian Austin Green or however long they dated that she would probably want to keep her options open. I could care less. I don’t mind. Who needs Megan Fox? ::cries:: Please don’t date him Megan. Give me a try. I can open doors for you. I will buy you presents. Wanna see me juggle? Look! Do you like that? Ta da!

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Links that are dependent on Megan Fox

Irina Shayk is a model- IDLYITW

Ryan Reynolds is mysterious- Geno’s World

Josh Duhamel is a transformer- popbytes

Audrina Patridge bikini hotness- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

Bruno takes it off for GQ- Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Demi Lovato has the worst sunglasses in the world- yeeeah

Chastity Bono is a male man with a penis- IDLYITW

I’m A Celebrity…kills celebrities! – notorious news

Lindsay Lohan is topless, nobody cares- Allie Is Wired

The loneliest vagina in the world- I Don’t Want Your Life

Mariah Carey looks hot on the cover of her latest single- Amy Grindhouse

Jennifer Love Hewitt looks like a little old lady- Drunken Stepfather

People were speculating as recent as a week ago that Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green might be engaged which was a let down to a lot of horny perverts around the world. But now it is being reported that Megan Fox has moved out of Brian Austin Green’s home and is now living in a hotel. Brian is upset because his son Cassius doesn’t want her to go. I wouldn’t want her to go either.

But fuck the son. He will pull through. Buck up kid. When my mom moved out when I was 10 the only question on my mind was, am I still going to get my full allowance? Things could be worse. But for perverts like myself, things could not be looking any better. Hopefully Megan will celebrate her new found freedom with a skinny dip in the hotel pool. But if that doesn’t happen we can settle for these Megan Fox paparazzi pics below.

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Links that do not own a bra

Gemma Atkinson and her gigantic rack- IDLYITW

Tori Spelling is skinny. But that is a good thing. – IBBB

Jordan should probably just stay away from children- Holy Moly

Scarlett Johansson’s tits hit Vogue- Drunken Stepfather

Which one os the dog? – I Don’t Want Your Life

It costs Katie Holmes $60,000 to look good- yeeeah

Amanda Bynes has a great ass- IDLYITW

LiLo is spending all of SamRo’s cash- Celeb News Wire

Tara Reid pulls a Mariah Carey- popbytes

Jade Goody died of cancer- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

The hot chick from The Wonder Years got married- Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Shannon Doherty talks about her return to 90210. – Geno’s World

Cute college girl of the day- College Humor

Lauren Conrad’s fashion line- Allie Is Wired

Amy Winehouse’s new songs rejected by record label- notorious news

Well, pervs around the world can start crying and cursing their maker now. Megan Fox is off the market. That douche bag Brian Austin Green gave the world the best blessing the world can ask for and broke up with Megan Fox. Then they stayed friends and were apparently fuck buddies which I did not care about, but now it is being reported that they are in fact an item again.

Not only are they back together, and the engagement might still be on, but they are actually in couples therapy so a break up will not happen again. A source tells In Touch weekly, ” It was a mutual decision. Lots of couples go to therapy together, and they are commited to try and make it work.” What a bunch of bullshit. Brian Austin Green has a little pecker and will never satisfy Megan Fox. It is me you need. Me and my 11 inch penis. Oh God, I need to wipe away these tears. I still need to go out into the world and live.

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If Megan Fox was trying to look like she wasn’t the hottest girl that has ever lived, well sir, she has FAILED. Miserably. Even other hot chicks don’t even fight it anymore. They just sigh and try to act gracious when they call her “pretty”, then they go home and cry and fuck ugly dudes just to ride the tiger by the tail and feel special again for a minute or two. Megan Fox is what the ancient druids called “Stonehenge-ish” (magically hot enough to cause an erection of monolithic stone). I bet right after she has sex with Brian Austin Green he can read minds and see into the future a little bit. She’s the closest thing to god we’ll ever be able to look at. Or… follow home from the Ivy after she visited that cute little shop on Rodeo where she bought a SHAZAM novelty t-shirt that you just know will go great with those new skinny jeans that she just put into the dryer. I had no idea that you could buy a blue clothes dryer. I’ll need to check BestBuy.com when I get home.

This is Megan Fox shooting a spread for the new GQ. Wonder what it’s like to wake up as the hottest chick on earth? I used to ask your mom that. What a whore! There is a video for this (LINK) but I wouldn’t click it at work unless you don’t mind spontaneously fondling your junk at your cubicle. I personally have no problem with it. But somebody needs to get their cute little ass back into the HR office and stop judging.

OMFG UPDATE: So apparently this GQ article reports that Megan Fox got freaky with girl.  A RUSSIAN STRIPPER NAMED NIKITA.

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided – oh man, sorry, mommy! – that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” Fox said. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.”

Fox said Nikita would do “these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads.” She added that she would bring the Russian stripper gifts and try to inspire her to quit her line of work.

Despite the relationship, Fox said she does not identify herself as gay.

“Look, I’m not a lesbian,” she went on. “I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes.

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl – Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands,” she continued. “She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.” (US)

If you’ll excuse me, I just fucking died.

See the video here and be prepared to prematurely lose your junk.

What’s all the fuss about Megan Fox? I guess she’s alright, if you like that type -tall, thin, beautiful face, nice rack, amazing legs, perfect hair- but she’s not all that. I mean, look at her here with sweat pants on and no make up. Guh. I mean I guess I’d hit it. But it’d be a mercy fuck. Stars are people too!

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