Fatback Media

Why is this guy famous? What does he do? Spencer Pratt rattles on about how he’s a “businessman”, but he’s no more than a self-righteous sanctimonious dick who gets everything he wants and treats everyone like shit. Therefore I think it is essential that multiple people kick his ass. The cool thing about rich kids is that a dude that pumps gas can still beat their sissy ass into a bloody, toothless mess. And no matter how many lawyers daddy hires and how much jail time someone gets for it, you still got your ass pounded and that shit stings.

I’m not inciting violence or threatening, so much as I’m just appealing to your sense of duty to human race. Do the right thing. Rocks are your friends. Here’s Spencer rolling back his foreskin and showing us his dick.

Pratt, 24, fired off a tersely-written statement to Usmagazine.com after [Mary Kate] Olsen, 22, told David Letterman The Hills star used to throw temper tantrums during their high school soccer games.”I apologize for getting caught up in trash talking, but she brought up an emotional subject when she mentioned the soccer stuff,” Pratt tells Us exclusively.”I know Dave was just doing his job in asking her,” he went on. “He’s the best in the game at that.” (US)

I love it when spoiled rich kids fight. It makes me forget about all the other cruel shit in world so I can focus my attention on brats who never had a day of strife in their life. Then I remember that they suck and also that Wal-Mart sells automatic rifle shells. You know what would be a cool super hero? The Malibu Punisher.

Here’s Heidi Montag, Pratt’s business partner in the final days before she gives up and becomes a porn star. Jesus loves her too!

Goddamn.

When I picture a lesbian threesome with the Olsen Twins and another celebrity, the third party is certainly not Amy Winehouse. In fact, she belongs nowhere near that picture. Though, I guess the three could stand around and play a game of ‘Who has the stabbiest hip bone?’ I would hope, too, that Mary-Kate and/or Ashley would give Amy a good talking to about her new skunk streak of blonde hair.

But Jesus Christ, Amy Winehouse is still alive? Really? Well, it’s only a matter of time until she’s found dead in a pool of her own vomit, or one of her veins bursts, or her heart stops after an 8-Ball episode. Whatever the cause of death, it’s sure to be happening soon. In the meantime, she and her perhaps even more visually offensive, Blake Fielder-Civil, attended a fashion show for the Olsen Twins’ new clothing line last night. Classy!