Slow day Folks. Mariah Carey looks like she’s been hitting the gym and eating right because she looks awesome in these swimsuit pics from Capri. That or she’s back on the coke. Pic 2 shows Mariah Carey’s grainy nipple off the coast of the beautiful island of Capri where I think it’s the law that you have be semi nude. Her nipple is not grainy, just the photo of her nipple, which looks like it was taken using the Hubble Telescope. Science in action!

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I’ve always heard that Mariah Carey was a huge bitch, but judging from this VIBE photo shoot she’s a very fit bitch with a huge rack. Mariah Carey seems like the type that would leave you holding her purse while she danced with other dudes in a club. But you would take it because later, if you were lucky, she’d let you jack off to her when she fell asleep. You stud, you.

(photos via VIBE)

However, I must say that in this series of photos from the Caribbean a while back, Mariah is sporting a really nice body. There is not a part on her that looks too big, and she’s not at all what I thought she’s look like in a bikini. Her body is actually impressive. I’ve heard both that these photos are from paparrazi stalking her while she’s on the beach, and also that they’re from paparrazi shooting her while she’s working on a real photoshoot. I’m not sure of the true context, but I am sure that Mariah Carey’s body is impressive nowadays . . .

Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?

Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.”

Fucking classic!

“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,” a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.” “Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,” (source)

Double U. Tee. Eff.

My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)

A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)