G’day beautes! According to the ever so glamorous and accurate National Enquirer, Nicole Kidman is pregnant and recently announced the arrival to husband Keith Urban…in rehab! I love Hollywood! Urban is currently at the Betty Ford Clinic seeking treatment.

Two home pregnancy tests confirmed the 39-year-old actress is expecting her first child, sources say — but, ironically, her four-month marriage to country crooner Keith, 39, is in serious jeopardy. “Nicole’s dream of having a child finally came true when two home pregnancy tests came up positive,” an insider tells The ENQUIRER.

“But she’s devastated that Keith lied to her about kicking his addictions to booze and cocaine. She’s hoping the baby will save their relationship.” (source)

Mom “accidentally” dropped her diaphragm on a stack of open safety pins, thus “accidentally” poking a hole and I “accidentally” appeared nine months later. Apparently, a retired auto mechanic drawing disability was a solid candidate for fatherhood in spite of his penchant for stalking young women and his propensity for winding up in court. Naturally, that relationship didn’t last past breakfast and my presence only serves as a reminder that decisions are not best made while under the influence of Mad Dog 20/20 and Jerry Springer. The moral is: don’t have a baby to save your relationship unless you want that child to endure 13 years of therapy and countless sexual partners because you tried to make something out of nothing. I’m not bitter! No worries, Nicole, it’ll come good, love! Time for me to hit the turps. I speak Australian. I fucking rock!