Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson is bringing crazy back
Jun 5th
Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?
Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.â€Â
Fucking classic!
“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,†a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.†“Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,†(source)
Double U. Tee. Eff.
My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)
A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)
Jessica Simpson on E-Bay
Nov 30th
An extra on the set of Jessica Simpson’s movie, Employee of the Month, is auctioning off a chewed piece of Jessica’s gum on eBay. No wonder she’s only an extra.
The blonde actress discarded the candy as she was preparing to shoot a kissing scene with her co-star Dane Cook in their movie “Employee of the Month.”
Jessica, 26, gave the gum to an extra on set who rather than throw it away has decided to make a quick buck.
“Jessica was chewing gum when shooting started and asked if we would mind her putting her gum in a napkin on our table.”
“I joked that I would sell it on eBay. She said, ‘Go for it. You might make 99 cents.’”
“Here’s that pale blue gum. It was in her mouth so it has her DNA on it so you can clone her.”
The seller will also provide a letter of authenticity, some gossip from the film and a “head shot to the winning bidder so that they have proof that I am sitting next to Jessica in the movie.”
(source)
This is like the time I lost my glasses once at camp…except it isn’t like that time because I would change glasses to ‘virginity’ and lost to ‘forced myself on the camp counselor’. Not only does this ‘extra’ now have enough germs to classify for level 5 containment, but she clearly lacks what we essentially take for granted…a fucking clue. Everybody knows you have to cut her hair while she gently sleeps off the GHB you slipped in her drink. So peaceful. Soft, soft hair.
Wait, did she say clone Jessica? Social decay, nuclear warfare, George Bush and botox made the list, but I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson was not in Revelation as a sign of apocalypse. Unless of course she’s the antichrist. Which would be sweet. Bless her heart.
UPDATE: The bidding is up to $127.00. See it here!
Jessica Simpson Rallied a Hooker
Nov 9th
Popstar Jessica Simpson was horrified recently when an on-line friend turned out to be a male escort. WTF? OMG, I bet she didn’t LOL. W/E!
“Jessica logged on [to an Internet matchmaking service] to find company,” reveals a friend. “She found a picture of a guy in LA she thought was ideal.”
However, her hopefulness turned to horror when she discovered the man she was meeting was a prostitute.
“They arranged to meet, but when she turned up, she found out the sad truth — he was only interested in a ‘professional transaction’. The guy turned out to be a male escort.”
The blonde singer has publicly admitted she needs a man. “I’m a little sexually frustrated right now,” she told US talk show host Jay Leno recently.
Having no luck with her celebrity encounters, pals say Jessica turned to the Net to find a regular guy. Insiders say she was also trying to score a date behind the back of her controlling father and manager Joe Simpson, who doesn’t believe anyone is good enough for his A-list daughter. (source)
Well with the IQ of a used condom and creepy Papa Simpson always one step ahead [with one hand down his pants], it’s no wonder she can’t bag a man. I did the Internet dating thing once; all the cool kids were doing it and I was desperate after my guy ran off with my other guy (it was a horrible case of ménage a.. what the..?). I began chatting with a software engineer who was charming and funny and attractive…and also serving a 9 year prison sentence for a postal mix-up gone terribly wrong. Conjugal visits were exciting, but it didn’t last long; what with his with the inclination to commit felonies, my looking pasty and pale under halogen lighting. That’s just no way to build true romance. Que sera, sera.
No real reason for that old pic except, if you look close you can see Jessica’s American Pride.
Africa Trip Blamed for Jessica Simpson’s Divorce
Oct 23rd
Jessica Simpson attributes failed marriage to Nick when he did not attend a charity trip in Africa in October 2005.
“I went there on our three-year wedding anniversary,” she tells Jane magazine for its November issue. “He stayed home”
Simpson was part of a travel contingent representing Operation Smile, a not-for-profit, volunteer medical services organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery to indigent children in remote areas.
Although Simpson and Lachey had both been presented with the organization’s Universal Smile Award at a Los Angeles Gala, Simpson ended up traveling to Nakuru, Kenya, with hairdresser Ken Paves, friend Cacee Cobb and her manger-father, Joe Simpson. (source)
In the land of WTF, picture me wearing a tutu, a hockey jersey and holding an assault rifle. That makes as much sense as traveling to Africa on your three-year anniversary with hairdresser in tow. Or maybe it’s offering plastic surgery to children who would probably benefit more from clean water than a “beauty mark” a la Cindy Crawford. Why are we still stewing over the breakup slash divorce almost a year after the fact anyway? Jessica could have caught Nick in compromising positions with a frozen turkey on the bathroom floor and I still wouldn’t give a fuck (although I would definitely google the photos). There’s more interesting news brewing lately. Like how am I gonna explain my recent trip to the clinic to my HMO? Real problems, real world, people! Here’s more of Jessica doing her best to not hide her boobtastic cleavage.
 
