Jessica Alba
How Not to Get Pregnant, A Primer for Hollywood
Dec 20th
Considering that there have been three celebrity pregnancies to single moms announced in the past week or two, I believe that in Hollywood there may be a lack of information about how one becomes pregnant and what prevents pregnancy. If there is not misunderstanding, then I fail to comprehend how you’d let a pregnancy occur when
- You are, oh I don’t know, 16 years old (Jamie-Lynn Spears)
- You just lost a bunch of weight, look awesome, and shot your first scantily clad photo shoot (Lily Allen), or
- You are one of the hottest actresses in the world and pregnancy could mean losing the body that your career is based on (Jessica Alba).
Now before you lecture me on how it’s totally superficial to think about pregnancy in the context of ruining a woman’s body, let me remind you that it’s not like these girls are married and planned to start a family. That’s a whole other story. But anyway, I just want to share some facts about pregnancy that may help other celebs not to become prego:
- You can get pregnant even if you are 16. Oh and your popularity with 11 year-old Nickelodeon fans does not provide protection. Plus, if you have an insane famous sister, this makes you more prone to ruining your life as well. Get sterilized.
- If you are a rich A-lister with an ass to die for, your boyfriend is a nobody who isn’t even that attractive and is rumored to have given you Herpes, chances are he’ll knock you up. God sometimes plays jokes like that. Make him wear two condoms.
- When you lose 30 pounds or so and get to a healthy weight, you tend to enhance your fertility. Thus at the point that the media is making a row over your weight loss, you will need to get on and stay on the pill.
Just some fun facts, kids. Anyway, here’s some of what we very well may never see again from Jessica Alba . . .
They Can Scream for Me Anytime
Oct 22nd
Thanks to this weekend’s Spike TV’s “Scream Awards,” there were no hot actresses left floating around the streets of L.A. Nope, they were all at the Greek Theater, indeed. The Scream Awards are supposedly a celebration of the year’s best in Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Comics, but I’m pretty sure it’s a veritable celebration of the best in T&A.
I have to hand it to Spike TV for getting Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Kristanna Loken, and Jessica Biel in the same room. Though, had Spike also provided the girls with champagne, a hot tub, a false assurance of privacy, and then a live internet feed, it would have made for an even more interesting evening. But, I digress . . .
Check out the hotness at the Scream Awards, as well as the crumbs (i.e. Paris Hilton) . . .
Jessica Alba is goofy
May 23rd
Super hot movie star Jessica Alba claims she’s “goofy”?. And my question is: Who cares? She can claim to be Rolanda Queen of the Nicaraguan Sunsets as long as she keeps making movies in a bikini. Nothing says acting chops like a string bikini. True story.
“People think of me as just a sexy girl,” the self-described “dork,” 26, says in the June issue of InStyle, “but I’m really goofy , like, super goofy.”
Not that she’s knocking her looks, which first made her famous on the 2000-02 TV series Dark Angel. “I had womanly curves at a young age,” she says. “Usually kid actors are a few years older than the roles they play. I was two or three years younger.” (source)
This is the point where I would call Jessica a conceited whore because I really think she is, but with that body, goofy or not, she could poke out your eye with a pencil sharpened on the sidewalk and you’d still line up to drink her bath water. Where I come from, having curves at a young age is not as sexy as it may sound. It pretty much relegates you to marriage by senior year, dropping out and living in a trailer park taking care of three dirty faced children while your husband, the former football captain, shows off his skills as the manager of the Piggly Wiggly. I’m not saying that southern teen mothers are trashy uneducated whores. Well actually, yes. Yes I am. But Jesus loves them, god bless ‘em, and that’s all that matters.
Here’s Jessica getting into some trouble with the law. You have the right to remain sexy. Owwww.
