Sinead Noonan is Miss Ireland 2008, so here she is eating a tea cake and holding a parasol like she’s on a magnolia plantation in Georgia. Huh? I have my doubts as to how “Irish” she really is. First, her face isn’t all red and she’s not holding a Guinness in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Second, she’s not in a fight or wearing a police/fireman’s badge (or alternatively cuffed in the back of a “paddy” wagon). Third she doesn’t have red hair and a bowl of lucky charms. So that pretty much clenches it. She’s a big phony. A big, incredibly beautiful phony with amazing legs with whom I’d like to discuss puppies and world peace. Toi, toi, toi, toi, toi.

• McNugget – Webster’s Is My Bitch
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• Dane Cook’s eviction trial over dog poop is underway
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Happy 4th of July Americans! This is the day we celebrate kicking every one else’s ass in every war ever. As the last superpower standing, we come together every year and blow shit up on the day our forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence from our British oppressors. Those brave men signed a document that meant that all people had the right to live in freedom without worry of religious or government interference – as long as you were a white upper class property owner living in Boston, New York or Philadelphia. Fuck yeah!

It took us a few hundred years to figure out the racism part, but in those few hundred years we decided that America stands for truth, justice and hot chicks in bikinis. True story. They’re adding a book to the Bible right now called the Book of America and on page one is a picture of Marisa Miller. She’s half naked and she embodies everything that Jesus and John Hancock had in mind. So raise your glass of Sam Adams, here’s to America. The haters can suck a bald eagle dick.

[Ed. note: Okay, so I published this a bit late. Beer, BBQ, & bikinis are to blame... F.]

[pics]

This is Ashley Dupre, the former call girl who brought Eliot Spitzer’s political career to halt. Well not really. She was just trying make ends meet. He’s the asshole who paid $4000.00 a night to sleep with prostitutes even though he was the governor of the most politically charged state in the USA. Note to politicians: The whole getting caught with prostitutes is a cliche for a reason. Anyway. Turns out Ashley isn’tt the only hottie in her family. The other chick in these pics is her mom. No shit.

The 23-year-old brunette and her youthful-looking mother turned heads as they relaxed on Sea Girt’s beach, tanning in their string bikinis.”That’s her!” one passing beachgoer whispered as Dupre paused at the beach badge stand to buy a $7 daily pass.Stretching out on two large white towels, the mother and daughter lounged in the sun.Wading knee-high in the surf, Dupre’s butterfly tattoo was clearly visible below her belly button with the Latin phrase tutela valui.”She was here [Saturday] and last weekend. She seems nice,” said a girl selling badges. (Daily News)

I guess her mom either had Ashley when she was 12, or she has fucking excellent genes. Kinda like me. Except my mom really was 12 when she had me and she met my dad at a religious cult that worships farm animals. The downside was never knowing which of my pets was gonna end up as a sacrifice. The upside? Well there really isn’t an upside, you asshole.

Jessica Simpson recently celebrated her boyfriend (QB for the Dallas Cowboys) Tony Romo’s  birthday at a club called Suite, in Dallas. From the looks of it, it is actually a hotel suite in Dallas.

The affectionate pair showed up at Suite, an exclusive nightspot, to celebrate Romo’s 28th birthday a few days early. (His actual birthday is Monday, April 21.)

The get-together included a blue, star-shaped, No. 9 birthday cake – a nod to the Dallas Cowboys star’s jersey number – champagne, and lots of dancing at the crowded club.

At one point in the evening, Simpson got on the mic and sang “Happy Birthday” to her beau – then they started feeding each other cake. (PEOPLE)

OF COURSE she sang happy birthday. Why wouldn’t she make his birthday all about her? “HAPPA- BUTH DAAAA TUUUUH YUUUHHH…I said uh, HAPPA- BUTH DAAAA TUUUUH YUUUHHH.”

Check out the hot chick in the black dress firing mind bullets at Jessica. Jealous much?

Sophie Monk is hot in that I’d hit it, but somethin’ ain’t right kinda way. And I think I figured it out. She has noassitol. A dreaded condition where perfectly hot girls stop eating carbs and diet their way right out of a nice onion shaped bandonk. Girlfriend need some fried chicken.

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This is Ashley Alexandra Dupré, aka Kristen the expensive escort that Eliot Spitzer got in so much trouble over. From the NYTimes:

She left a broken home on the Jersey Shore at 17 and came to New York City to work the nightclubs as a rhythm and blues singer. Now, at 22, she is the unwitting, and as yet unseen, star of the seamy drama that is the downfall of Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York.

According to her MySpace page (now gone) she left NJ at 17 because of abuse and hardship to pursue a music career and a better life.

I am all about my music, and my music is all about me… It flows from what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen and how I feel. I live in New York and am on top of the world. Been here since 2004 and I love this city, I love my life here. But, my path has not been easy. When I was 17, I left home. It was my decision and I’ve never looked back. Left my hometown. Left a broken family. Left abuse. Left an older brother who had already split. Left and learned what it was like to have everything, and lose it, again and again. Learned what it was like to wake up one day and have the people you care about most gone. I have been alone. I have abused drugs. I have been broke and homeless. But, I survived, on my own. I am here, in NY because of my music.

There are two issues here. First, you can’t blame Eliot Spitzer (who’s 49) for wanting to bang a tight 22 year old girl who likes to party till the sun comes up. He was just arrogant, got careless and got caught. Second, why does everyone feel sorry for Ashley Alexandra Dupré? She’s not wasted youth or good girl gone wrong, she’s a fucking hero. She grew up poor, in an abusive home and now she makes $1000.00 an hour, travels the world and lives like a celebrity. She’s like the white Oprah… except she gets laid a lot more. It is the oldest profession, just ask Jesus!

Snippypants update: Well I guess Ashley got around to deleting her MySpace adn someone else has already made a new on with her name. I think its Jesus from Drunken Stepfather. You rogue…

God. Damn.

Lake Bell is quickly becoming the Fatback Media favorite girl this year. We loved her in Surface (where’d that go?) and Boston Legal and now she’s moved on to the big screen for 2008 in films like What Happens in Vegas, Still Waters, and Pride & Glory (with Colin Farrell). These images are from GQ (probably…or an intern is now fired) and really showcase Lake Bell’s um…intellectual prowess. Normally, I’m not a big fan of the couture swimsuits becuase I think they went out with the hairy bushed 70’s Playboy shoots, but I find myself liking this one for some reason.

Links if you made it this far:

• Paris Hilton is banging this Buddhist monk actor from those movies. (Bastardly)
• Lindsay’s not pregnant, it’s the HPV swelling that makes her look fat (DS)
• Paris Hilton topless but less sexy than you’d probably imagine (Jordan)
• Sex and The City still ruining New York (Webster)
• Gnarls Barkley wans to give you seizures. (Celebrity Smack)
• Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. No shit. (Allie)
• Madison Healy is the Cute College girl this week. (CH)

Cuteness of this caliber belongs up there with Yorkie Terriers and Munchkins. I bet Rachel lives in Sugarplum land in an all-pink room and sleeps surrounded by good fairies who bless her nightly . . . because seriously, y’all, she’s that damn cute!