I think they lost something behind the couch.

I love a good sex tape as much as the next guy – especially when your mom is in it – the camera loves her. Rumors have swirled (like poo in porcelain) for months about a possible Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sex tape – underwhelming the shit out of everyone who blatantly continued living their lives. *Uses Dateline’s Keith Morrison voice* But now…all that is changed. It seems Heidi. Had sex. With…another girl. Ooooooh. Ooooh.

Shock the monkey  TMZ:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.

We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

In case you’re wondering why I have that banner pic of the two girls (and twins!); at least one of those girls is Karissa Shannon. I can’t tell them apart. I’m not sure if they can. I do know this: judging by pic number 3, either Hef is a tiny pixie man or those are some big bitches. Watch out Spencer, the pretty one might think you’re an albino chimp and spear you for her village. In case this is your first day out of Mexican prison and you’ve yet to feel the hurricane of Heidi Montag media rain down upon your face like a fetid golden shower in a Thai massage parlor, you can always go here and see more Heidi Montag relatively nude pics.

"God, I love me..."

Apparently, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have gotten a divorce and holyfuckinshit, I don’t care. Divorce? NOFUCKINGWAY! Was it mental cruelty? Irreconcilable differences? Adultry? Potted meat? Sodomize me with information, PEOPLE:

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Pratt tells PEOPLE. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that.”

“I want every kind of press,” he says. “She believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully. She just wants to hike and hang out and be calmer.”

As for their infamous “Speidi,” moniker, Pratt says his estranged wife “doesn’t want to be Speidi anymore. She wants to be Heidi Montag: the sex symbol.” [Triple D titties have that effect-Fatback]

Don’t count this badmotherfingerer out though. Spencer loves it when a plan comes together…like in that one show that time. Here’s more from the vox populi, emphasis mine.

When fighting cyber crime fell through, [Whaaa...?- F.] Pratt says he decided to grow a beard and turn to art. “I’m switching it up,” he says. “I’ve already gone for the blonde, spiky-haired look. Now I’m going for the Hollywood producer look.”

Continues Pratt: “I’m an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I’m going for an art show and a gallery.”

I’m assuming that this quote was taken while Spencer Pratt sat in a kiddie pool of crystal meth. He went on to say that, he’s “pretty sure he’s a lock for that CIA clandestine services job on their career page, and also have you seen Michelle Obama’s ass? Tell me I never have to leave this room! Sweet.” Hey Spencer, here are some pictures of your ex-wife failing at nudity. Also, she’ll be fucking other dudes soon. Paint a pony for me!

It is being reported on RadarOnline.com that Heidi Montag is going back to Playboy very soon and that she will strip and actually show us her goody bits this time. I think Hef is a fool for even considering her again after she ripped us off so harshly in 2009. But that fact that she has had multiple plastic surgeries since then and has a much, MUCH bigger rack now, I will forgive her.

The pic above is a before and after pic of Heidi Montag between two of her plastic surgeries but trust me, she is much hotter and much different looking now. I just hope it is one of those “racy” Playboy photo shoots where they show a lot of her downstairs if you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Huh huh? Nudge nudge. Wink wink. Yea, you know what I’m talking about.

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Heidi Montag posed for Playboy in 2009 and everyone was really let down when they found out that there would be no real nudity in it. Heidi has come to her sense and is in negotiations to be in Playboy again but this time show off her new breast implants. She just went broke making her cd and is being offered $500k from Playboy to bare all.

In many ways, Heidi Montag is the perfect girl. All she cares about is her looks so she will always be in shape and sexy. She is a little bit younger than me which is a bonus. She has DDD boobs now. And in the coming years she will be a millionaire again and can support me while I sit on the couch and watch porn sports. She just may be my favorite celebrity. A position that has not been coveted by many. Congrats Heidi. Now shows us those boobies!

The other day Heidi Montag went back to Colorado, her hometown, to visit her mother after she underwent about 18 million plastic surgery procedures. When she saw her mother, he mother didn’t recognize her and Heidi describes her mother’s reaction as, “She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”

I have been looking at Heidi Montag as a circus freak for years so now me and her mother have something in common. Maybe that means me and Montag’s mom can hook up. That would mean I would be Heidi’s father and I could ground her to her room and not be in front of the paparazzi anymore and if she did look into the cameras I could send her to bed without supper. Yes. This is genius. Why hasn’t anyone else ever thought of this?

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Heidi Montag is probably sick of being famous for being famous so she decided to earn her fame a little bit and make an album. She dumped nearly $2 mil into it but it has sold under 1,000 copies. I haven’t listened to it yet and if it is anything like her last cd then I will probably hate it.

Now that she is broke, hopefully she will revisit Playboy and show a little vag. This is my wish. But if I do not hear from her again for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t mind that either. She isn’t even a paparazzi target. She just follows them. Definitely the most pathetic attention whore I have ever seen.

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I never thought that I would want to bang Heidi Montag more than I already do but after looking at these plastic surgery before and after photos it makes me realize that I REALLY wanna bang Heidi Montag. The chick on the right looks nothing like Heidi and is hotter but believe it or not that isHeidi Montag.

The only true difference I see is the bigger boobs (good) and a slightly different facial expression. I think all the other shit they are accusing her of going under the knife for is bullshit because I literally see 0 difference. I wonder if she was wearing the exact same bathing suit for that photo? If not, where is the old one? Can I have it. I already have a closet full of women’s panties from the countless amount of chicks I bang on a regular basis but I think I can find room for Heidi Montag’s bikini.

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Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are going all the way for Halloween this week and new they could steal the headlines back from Jon and Kate Gosselin by dressing up as them. I personally think this is a hysterical costume idea and the fact that they are lugging over a dozen baby dolls with them makes the costumes even funnier.

But seriously, they may be peering into their future. They are married and what most people do after they get married is have kids but I guess they are both too big of attention whores to give attention to another small life in this world. However, Heidi has said in the past that not only does she want kids some day but that she actually wants to have multiple kids. If they fuck around and use in vitro fertilization then they may just have sextuplets like Kate Gosselin. Big props to Speidi for this costume idea. It may be topped on Halloween eve but I am giving them the costume of the year so far.

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The salaries of all the stars on MTV’s The Hills has leaked to the public. I Don’t quite understand the obsession with the show except that a lot of losers out there like to live vicariously through the stars and think if they are watching hot chicks going to clubs in Hollywood with tons of money, that must mean that they are hot chicks going to clubs in Hollywood with lots of money. I know. Crazy right?

Not that they are worthy of their fat paychecks but it is being reported that Kristin Cavallari makes $90,000 per episode, Spencer Pratt makes $65,000 per episode (haha), and Audrina Patridge makes $100,000. This has kind of makes me wonder how much Lauren Conrad was being paid when she was still on the show. Since then her star has dropped and she is lucky I am even mentioning her name because she doesn’t need any press because she is not doing anything.

And oh yea, Heidi Montag or Heidi Pratt or whatever the fuck she is calling herself these days makes $100,000 an episode just like Audrina. Neither have talent so I can understand why they make so much. That is the key on MTV. No talent= big bucks. I am much more interested in Audrina Patridge naked however so I hope they cut her salary so she will do a Playboy photo shoot. A REAL one. None of this hype and then no nipple like Heidi. I have my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for this. But let’s face it. As long as losers are sitting in their home eating ice cream and then purging said ice cream to keep a slim figure so they can look more like the people on The Hills, Audrina and the others will always have a  job.

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So this is Heidi Montag in in her *ahem* adult magazine photoshoot.

Two things:

1. I’ve seen more nudity in the Bible
2. I’ve seen less airbrushing on a beaded t-shirt in Myrtle Beach South Carolina

Why do they airbrush the SHIT out of these things? She’s like 24 and has huge tits. She’s all set. It’s not like she’s some aging actress trying to get back some of the glory of the Buffy days (sorry Kristy! Call me!). We don’t need “sexy elegant” here. This magazine sits on the back of the toilet in a frat house, not the desk of the CEO of Bank of America next to Yachting Digest.  I mean how classy can you really be with your tits hanging out in a spank mag photo session? But I digress…

Speaking of naked tits. THERE ARE NONE. It’s the ultimate tease by a girl who will probably make every man in her life put his fist through a wall. I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t give you partial credit. So, enjoy? These will probably be gone within a few hours.