Fatback Media

You’d think Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards would be a pedophile’s dream, yet it seems that the event was mostly filled with geriatrics . . . you know, the 25+ crowd. I mean you had your usual teenage suspects Miley Cyrus and Hayden Panettiere in attendance–by the way, nice ass shot for the kids, Hayden!–but you also had Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Love Hewitt and her Hips, and a very pregnant Jessica Alba. And speaking of Jessica Alba, is she there as a role model for 8 year olds who aspire to become pregnant before marriage? Well, I guess she is a better choice than Jamie Lynn Spears. Also, when you check out the pics from the Kids’ Choice Awards, notice Rihanna’s strange, strange face. She looks like a goddamn Star Trek character if you ask me . . .

If you have a thigh fantasy in which you imagine a sweet death experienced between a stocky girl’s amply-muscled thighs, well, I’m pretty sure that Hayden Panettiere can provide that for you. When she’s legal, of course. Oh wait, she’s already dating a 30 old man so I guess there doesn’t need to be a wait. Hayden’s thighs amaze me, and not in a good way. Hayden and her thighs went grocery shopping with her dad today and provided me with deeper insight into their structure. From these new pictures, I’m pretty sure they measure about five inches from knee to the top of the thigh. I’ve been enlighted. And grossed out.

Thank you for bending over in front of paparazzi while shopping for your new camera, Hayden. Because now everyone will see what I’ve been saying forever. But, first they have to click on the link . . . I’m too damn poor to actually purchase the picture!

I’m sick of all the “great body” praised heaped on Hayden. The girl is like 5 foot-even on a good day, and her legs are thick and bowed. Seriously, in about 20 years Hayden will look like your fat aunt who embarrasses you every year at the beach as she parades around her cellulite-ridden, huge fat ass and thighs without wearing a wrap even when your mom softly suggests it.

Anyway, Hayden is heading down Fat Avenue, though her youth is preventing it from happening at this point in time. But in the future, there is nothing–not even plastic surgery–that can prevent the genetic destiny given to her with short, stubby, thick legs.