Fatback Media

Well it’s that time again kiddies. My favorite holiday of the year: Halloween. And that means it’s time for the 3rd Annual Celebrity Halloween Costume Contest here at Fatback Media. You can see the 1st annual contest from 2 years ago here. We skipped last year because I went out on Halloween night in 2007 and woke up working in a shoe factory in Guatemala on New Year’s day. If your last pair of Nike’s smelled like bacon and gin, then I probably made them. But I digress…

As per usual we’ve taken a look at the costumes (or lack thereof) of all the celebs we could get our hands on and judged them like St Peter at the pearly gates. That’s if St. Peter is vicious bastard who hates celebrities like our panel of judges. So without further ado…

Gwen Stefani is an egg. Terrible. There is no hotsauce, no burned edges, no creativity. D-

Olivia Munn as a freaky sexy anime chick. Not too shabby. My kneejerk reaction is to masturbate, eat a bowl of rice then ask her if I can borrow those things in her hair for my roasted turkey. Basically, it’s the perfect date. Grade: A

Kim Kardashian as Wonder Woman. She’s definitely got the rack down. The golden of lasso of truth tells me that she should have stopped at the lipo doctor on the way in. Two and a Half Ass. C+

Woooooo. Wooooooo. Here comes the sluttiest fireman in the firehouse. Want to turn a whore outfit into a fireman? Add a jacket. Terrible. Grade F

Wrestling diva as Princess Leia. If Princess Leia was a porn star. Honestly, I think I just came a little in my pants. A++

Hey it’s Freddy Mercury! Wait it’s Katy Perry trying to be ironic at her “dress like a dead celebrity” birthday party. I see like 3% of her 32DD’s. 97% failure. D-

I have ZERO idea what this is. Grade F–

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dressed as…. Wait. For this one I’ll pretend what I think they are dressed as. Heidi Montag dressed as a stripper whore who complains about your house being too hot and the rude treatment, even though she just jerked off all your friends. Whore. Spencer Pratt as the new fish in D block where the sodomites will run through him like a freight train. Their version: Grade D. My version B-.

Um. It looks she went through that teleporter in The Fly except she went in there with a blow up doll and 300lbs of clear window sealant. Do you curl your hair with that or stick it up someone’ ass? Grade: None. I am so confused by this picture.

Looks like Kendra Wilkinson spent about 4.1 seconds on her costume. She was already wearing the roller derby slut outfit that day and just added a stripe of Wine With Everything lipstick to her cheek. Brilliant. Not really, idiot. And you were the pretty one too. F (At least the other girl rubbed her face in it a bit… her grade? C- because I like a girl that knows how to eat).

Miley Cyrus trying to look like a big girl. Wait a sec. BRB, someone’s at my door. Dateline who..? Grade: P for perv. (Also, I’d like to give a special shoutout to the person who watermarked this photo so well that you can see it from the Kuiper Belt.)

Mena Suvari dressed as a hot freaky goth chick that you would totally bang and explore some sexual stuff that’s so dirty that you don’t even whisper it to yourself when your alone, but you wouldn’t date her because, really who would date a chick with hair like that? B+

Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh as slutty school girls. Weak. This costume is usually awesome, but these to are usually naked so it’s an utter failure….which… is brought back to life by girl-on-girl kissing. B+

Blake Lively totally pulling a very believable girl-next-door-but-kinda-slutty-behind-closed-doors-but-would-totally-get-your-back-if-you-dated-her schoolgirl look. She’s 21 so that makes it the most realistic outfit to date in this contest. A.

Hrm. Derek Whilby and Avril Lavigne as… Hrm. Okay. Hrm. Here goes… Derek Whilby as the Joker(?) who’s also a nurse(?) in a garage band that plays surfer rock(?) and Avril Lavigne is a dead(?) Geisha named Elvira(?). Derek Whilby never looked so handsome so, I’m rounding up to D-

Keeley Hazeel as a naked witch. A for effort, but the hat is a little too Gryffindor for my taste. B-

Ever seen a whore mermaid that glittered? Me either. Jennifer Walcott should stick to Playboy. Also, I don’t believe those starfish are holding anything up. C-.

This isn’t really a costume, but Christina Ricci is smoking hot as a red head. Grade A++

Bridget Marquardt is surprisingly cute and disturbing in this killa clown outfit. B+

Beyonce dressed as a white chick from the 60s. B-

Aislyne Horgan Wallace at the Bloodlust Ball. Two things. First the Bloodlust Ball sounds AWESOME and second, no fair walking upstairs to influence the judges, Aislyne. Although… Grade A

Shauna Sand as…hm.The aging stripper whore in Saving Ryan’s Privates? I do like the pink bullet holders though. So I’m rounding up to B-.

Aubry O’Day as a hippie chick circa Logan’s Run. Failure. Please report to disintegration in the Carousel. D+

April Scott dressed either as the sexiest Queen of Hearts I’ve ever seen or a blackjack dealer on a gambling Riverboat in Branson Mo. Either way: A.

Kate Beckinsale dressed as Little Riding Hood – is she worked in a tavern in Austria circa seventeen-ninety-bone. A++.

Heidi Klum as Kali flat out fucking rules even if she did get a few things wrong. Namely, too many arms and zero cleavage. B- (for lack or breasts). *Special thanks to Hindu goddess Kara for letting me know that the goddess in this picture was Kali not Shiva. And also that my decadent life of materialistic desires wasn’t earning me any karma.

That’s it for now kids. I’ll update as more come in. There’s no clear winner yet so stay tuned. Also, remember to check out the results from the 1st annual contest too.

If they wear them, Miss Lennox will talk! Yes, more Halloween costumes from Hollywood this weekend. Though there are several pics, Dennis Rodman as Jungle Big Bird Tranny does take the cake. And, I just want to tell you how much more I loathe Spencer Pratt after seeing him in his costume. Indeed Spencer is a Superhero, a.k.a. SuperDouche.

This weekend the L.A. chapter of The Children Affected by AIDS Foundation held their annual Dream Halloween fund raiser event. Now I may or may not be hit with a cloud of brimstone for mentioning this noble charity in a celeb-skewing post, but since I went to church and Bible Study on Sunday, I’ll take my chances. And since this fund raiser seriously brought out some of the worst, creepiest costumes in celeb Halloween history, I just have to share.

I think that when one attends a children’s event, the assumption is that you can cut corners with your normal attention to detail and the standard image you try to portray as a celeb. I guess everyone figured that kids just wouldn’t notice any otherwise unsettling aspect of their appearance that evening? That’s really the only way to explain Teri Hatcher’s very unflattering-bordering-on-pscyho Queen of Hearts get-up, Jamie Lee Curtis looking like a tranny MC of a drag contest who forgot “her” wig, and Rumer Willis’ insistence on wearing a costume that is cut so as to deliberately show her hoo-ha. Oh and if you like jailbait, make sure to click on Andrea Bowen’s picture–her costume gives pedophiles ’round the world a reason to cheer . . .