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Super hot movie star Jessica Alba claims she’s “goofy”?. And my question is: Who cares? She can claim to be Rolanda Queen of the Nicaraguan Sunsets as long as she keeps making movies in a bikini. Nothing says acting chops like a string bikini. True story.

“People think of me as just a sexy girl,” the self-described “dork,” 26, says in the June issue of InStyle, “but I’m really goofy , like, super goofy.”

Not that she’s knocking her looks, which first made her famous on the 2000-02 TV series Dark Angel. “I had womanly curves at a young age,” she says. “Usually kid actors are a few years older than the roles they play. I was two or three years younger.” (source)

This is the point where I would call Jessica a conceited whore because I really think she is, but with that body, goofy or not, she could poke out your eye with a pencil sharpened on the sidewalk and you’d still line up to drink her bath water. Where I come from, having curves at a young age is not as sexy as it may sound. It pretty much relegates you to marriage by senior year, dropping out and living in a trailer park taking care of three dirty faced children while your husband, the former football captain, shows off his skills as the manager of the Piggly Wiggly. I’m not saying that southern teen mothers are trashy uneducated whores. Well actually, yes. Yes I am. But Jesus loves them, god bless ‘em, and that’s all that matters.

Here’s Jessica getting into some trouble with the law. You have the right to remain sexy. Owwww.

Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think the’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

Two Aussies walk into a bar…well it had all the makings of a good joke. Except, it didn’t. Australian leading ladies (and BFF!) Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts will star together in a “sexy thriller�.

“Nip/Tuck� creator Ryan Murphy plans to spend this Fall shoot “Need� which has
Watts playing a psychiatrist, and Kidman as the unstable patient who steals the shrink’s husband.� (source)

I love Australia and I watch a lot of National Geographic HD so I’m pretty fucking smart about the Aussies. So when the headline reads something like, “Kidman and Watts to star in a movie togetherâ€?, I’m all in. Two Australian hotties in the same film together sounds pretty amazing. You can only imagine my chagrin to learn that Nicole and Naomi won’t be dressed up as aborigines who play those long hollow sticks that go “waow-waow, waow waow”. Nor will the film include wallabies, tequila, vegimite, or the appropriate use of the phrase “that’s a knifeâ€?, or “shrimps on the barbie”. Maybe it’s period piece? If we’re lucky, however, Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts will talk funny to each other and giggle then make out. I don’t generally watch foreign films unless they have gratuitous boobs, mood music or a character named “Pierreâ€?, but it might be worth seeing.

In a recent interview with GQ, Jake Gyllenhaal reveals to the ladies that he’s a “badassâ€? with a “dark side” so any potential girlfriends better rekkanize.

Women interested in the job should know, however, that the actor isn’t just your stereotypical sensitive guy – he also has a dark side, according to Robert Downey Jr., who stars with Gyllenhaal in the upcoming David Fincher thriller Zodiac.

“You could say he’s too sensitive for this industry,” Downey Jr. tells GQ. “That’s not even the right word. He’s clear. But he’s also a total badass. He and Steve McQueen would have gotten along amazingly. Guys who will do anything, anywhere.”

Playing into that “badass” characterization, Gyllenhaal tells GQ that he loves cooking, going to the farmers’ market and “sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.” (source)

First of all, Jake Gyllenhaal is about as badass as a kitten with ball of string. Second, I’m from the south and nobody drinks farm fresh milk anymore since we invented science. Third. There really is no third. I’m going go back out to put lipstick on my pig for the county fair, y’all. Yeehaw. Since Jake Gyllenhaal is not as hot as Josie Maran on a farm I have included these. QED

Heather Graham + lesbian scene with Bridget Moynahan = OMG. Heather and Bridget Moynahan play lesbians the upcoming movie ‘Gray Matters’?.

The stunning actress is to portray a woman, Gray, who discovers she is gay after falling in love with her brother’s girlfriend. Heather’s same-sex love interest, Charlie, will be played by the beautiful Bridget Moynahan, who appeared alongside Will Smith in sci-fi thriller ‘I, Robot’. Heather said: “It’s sort of a romantic comedy. I realise I’m gay and come out of the closet.” The 36-year-old blonde star shares a number of passionate scenes with Bridget in the movie but insists she is ‘comfortable’ getting steamy with another woman. (source)

I always seem to picture Heather Graham as Rollergirl in Boogie Nights. And Mark Wahlberg will always be Dirk Diggler. And I will always be disillusioned as to the size of a man’s penis. And by disillusioned I mean really fucking disappointed. Thanks, Marky Mark. Anyway, I’m glad to see Heather’s coming back, lesbian style. Of course, Heather could perform at a Mexican donkey show and I’d still find her outrageously hot. Don’t judge me.

Heather at the SAG Awards.