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I can only assume that Lindsay Lohan’s drunk detecting bracelet didn’t work. (You think they picked it up on Ebay?)

Little Miss Lindsay got herself all plastered with a bit of coked-up on the side and decided to play chase early Tuesday morning. She was picked up by the cops, frisked and found to be carrying cocaine on her person. I wonder if she had to do the old squat and cough?

The best part of this story is how even though she was driving drunk and in possession of cocaine she managed to blame it on someone else. It’s gets better. When one of the kids who was in the car with her (the one that Lindsay basically stole) tried to get her to stop because she was going to get in trouble she threatened to sue and quipped:

 ”I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want.” (TMZ)

Once she stopped the car and the police arrived on scene, Lindsay did however, own up to the whole thing and tried to make it right with the cops.  Oh wait, I meant she went all white trash and blamed the nearest black guy- Susan Smith style.

When police arrived, Dante says it seemed as if Lindsay told officers, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.”

Dante and Jakon [passengers in the car] say they saw Lindsay flunk the field sobriety test. They say when she tried touching her nose, she almost fell over.(TMZ)

So now she’s facing drunk driving and narcotic charges. It also looks like her dad is trying to cash in on this whole fiasco. Guy is in the news, talking about how all of this is ‘partly his fault’. Yeah, it probably is and no one really gives a rat’s ass. Ooh. Her mom is doing interviews, so that means she really loves her, right? Right?

“We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay and I won’t give up – this is my daughter and we love her,” Dina Lohan tells The Insider. (source)

What everyone cares about is, How long will Lindsay be in rehab this time? Will she munch carpet in there? And when will the pics of rehab lesbian action leak?

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchanalian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.

These are some of the most boring photos EVER of Lindsay Lohan celebrating her 21st birthday by the beach. I think I’m starting a petition to bring back the fire crotch. Sobriety is for quitters.

Not only was Lindsay’s beachfront birthday blowout supervised by her mother (who brought along her little brother for extra support), but we’re hearing that the party’s entertainment was overseen by a team of Promises folks – according to our source, the strongest stuff at the party was lemonade and soda! (source)

Dude, when your rehab coach supervises your 21st, you know you have a problem. I’m sure they figured out a way to get some contraband in there. Scope with a vanilla extract chaser anyone? Hardcore, bitches. Sucks to be Lindsay Lohan. I spent my 21st birthday in proper southern fashion, pounding Jager bombs and dancing topless on a table with a dude in a trucker hat and a spider monkey. That is, of course, until we were asked to leave due to ‘inappropriate behavior’. Fucking Waffle House. Anyway. Is it just me or is LiLo’s mother a total MILF? Wait, I meant really creepy looking bitch.

Elevenety billion more boring pics of Lindsay Lohan at her boring drug free party here.