Current Affairs
Halloween be damned. Chupacabra!
Oct 19th
Holy shit. What a way to start the day. I had know idea who the fuck Rachel Zoe was when she scared the shit out of me in this photo. Bitch. Apparently, she’s the hot stylist to stars like Portia de Rossi and Jennifer Garner. Alias is a ‘show’ about a spy. This chick’s been rode hard and put away wet. Stylist? Yeah, if your style is ‘broken down gas station car wash with dead a cat caught in the gears’. But I don’t suppose everyone can be as youthful, healthy and vivacious as I. I’m pretty sure she won’t win the Suck-Bang-Blow Bike Rally wet t-shirt contest 2 years in row. Just sayin’. Eat your heart out, Rachel! Mmmwah!
-Emily
Hilary Duff Stalked by Killers
Oct 13th
Emily here. TGI Fucking Friday! Hilary Duff and boyfriend Joel Madden have recently filed for a restraining order against two alleged stalkers (and this time it’s not me!) Duff is claiming it has escalated to a level in which she fears for her life and has requested the men stay at least 100 yards away.
Hilary Duff claims in court documents that she fears for her life, alleging she and her boyfriend are being stalked by two men — one a paparazzi and the other a homeless man.
TMZ has obtained court documents filed today in Los Angeles Superior Court, in which Duff and Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden claim that a 19-year-old Russian emigre came to the United States “for the sole purpose of meeting and becoming romantically involved with Ms. Duff.”
The court documents state the man, whose first name is Max, “admitted to being ‘obsessed’ with her, has stated his intention of ‘removing’ his ‘enemies’ (i.e., those who prevent him from being with her), has stated his intention of purchasing a weapon, and has threatened to kill himself and to engage in dramatic actions to get her attention.”(source)
I don’t know what Hilary’s so uptight about; a stranger willing to die in an attempt to win her affection is flattery at its peak! Ask any southern girl. And, that’s just par for the course at the Chateau d’Emily. So many injuries sustained by suitors falling out of the tree outside my bedroom window. I guess I could close the blinds when I do my naked Pilates, but then I would miss out on all those nice people just dying to meet me. There’s nothing like a love confession from a man (or woman!) hanging from a tree, wearing nothing but a long gray trench coat, army boots and a smile to bolster a girl’s ego. That’s not crazy baby, that’s love. How do you think I met my current boyfriend? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost visiting hours.
Oh, for you Pervy McCrotchrubber’s, here are more pictures of Hilary with Hayden Panettiere sucking on a lollipop and being too goddamn young for you. Perv.
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty Set a Wedding Date
Oct 10th
Rocker Pete Doherty and supermodel Kate Moss have announced their wedding date. Never a couple to let debilitating addiction stand on their way, the lush event will be held in January in Spain.
The day after Babyshambles announced they have postponed the rest of their tour to give Doherty more time for rehab, we now hear Pete and Kate have set a wedding date. The big event will apparently take place on January 16th, 2007 in the notorious party town of Ibiza, Spain. January 16th also happens to be Kate’s 33rd birthday. The event will cost an estimated $3.7 million dollars and will be attended by Sir Elton John, Sir Richard Branson, Jude Law and Jade Jagger. The couple plans to sell their wedding pictures to the highest bidder and then honeymoon in the United States. (source)
Holy shit, Pete Doherty is hot. But OMG not. I wish the best of luck to the emaciated, ghostly pair. Nothing like getting married in a raucous European party city to keep the rehab in check. I think you’d probably be more successful at scrubbing the crabs off your pubes with Paris Hilton’s pubes than you would staying off drugs in Ibiza. The last time I attended a junkie wedding in Europe, I woke up the next day with sticky hair, a hangover, a shamrock tattoo down there and a used IUD. Don’t ask. Do you suppose the party favors will include a needle and a spoon? I’m awful.
Vanessa Minnillo Will Rock You Like a Hurricane
Oct 9th
MTV starlet Vanessa Minillo recently caught attention of Carolina Hurricanes players Eric Staal and Eric Cole at the NHL season kickoff party. Boyfriend Nick Lachey may have competition. Fight, fight!
NICK Lachey had better keep a close eye on girlfriend Vanessa Minillo. The MTV hottie caught the eyes of Eric Staal and Eric Cole of the Carolina Hurricanes the other night at Marquee at the NHL season kickoff party sponsored by FHM magazine. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist was there, as well as Peter Forsberg and Darius Kasparaitis, plus hockey fans Tim Robbins and his son Miles. But not even Minillo could hold the players’ attention when the Stanley Cup was unveiled for the first time with the two Hurricanes’ names on it. (source)
As a devoted, enthusiastic hockey fan and an even more so, a loyal follower of the Carolina ‘Canes (reprazent!), I just want to tell Vanessa Minnillo to BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH. I had my eyes on Staal and Cole long before your twiggy, gold-digging, soul-sucking ass showed up on the scene. It wasn’t enough that dejected Nick ran to your doorstep, but now you’re entertaining the ogles of two men who clearly belong to me? The last time a bitch meddled in my love affairs, she ended up on a stretcher with a stiletto up her kidney with her little red Porsche “parked†in the front glass window of Winn Dixie. I keep the pimp hand strong and I’m quick to slap a ho. Consider this your warning. Homewrecker.
 
