Current Affairs
Salma Hayek Undresses
Nov 7th
Salma Hayek blah blah TV show blah blah Ugly Betty blah blah. BOOBS! I personally have one of the nicest racks this side of the Mason-Dixon (it’s been proven in 9 states, fellas!) and even I can’t help but drool over Salma Hayek’s devastatingly perfect rack. The only thing better would be if her bra was even more ill-fitting and revealing. Actually, it would be better if I was in the elevator with her and we accidentally got stuck for a few hours. We got stuck because I might have promised the elevator repairman a trip “around the world†to write down the wrong building address. But I digress. Boobs!
Love, Emily!
Shanna Moakler is Crazy Hot
Nov 7th
Emily here. I’ve been MIA, I know. Fucking cop cuffed me to the bed then forgot to leave the key! Who does that? Shanna Moakler is a crazy woman with too much time. She celebrated her divorce from Travis Barker by throwing a party in Vegas and creating a creepy cake as the highlight. Apparently, Vegas is the land of merriment for any occasion.
Funny thing. I, too, baked a cake when the ‘state’ ruled I did not have to pay the fines for possession of killer good looks. Zing! It was clever in my mind, at least. I had no idea who Shanna Moakler was until recently, but she quickly soared to the top of my “shouldn’t be in public for fear of homicide†list. She’s fucking scary, like she’ll burn cigarettes into your back while making love on the kitchen floor, then splash you with a glass of vodka as she calls you a ‘perv’ and walks out the door, which makes her all the more attractive, which, incidentally, is the image I’m building so in summation: she’s my role model. Here’s some photos of Shanna from various places. That last one is a preview of the new stuff shot she just did. Dirty slave.
Africa Trip Blamed for Jessica Simpson’s Divorce
Oct 23rd
Jessica Simpson attributes failed marriage to Nick when he did not attend a charity trip in Africa in October 2005.
“I went there on our three-year wedding anniversary,” she tells Jane magazine for its November issue. “He stayed home”
Simpson was part of a travel contingent representing Operation Smile, a not-for-profit, volunteer medical services organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery to indigent children in remote areas.
Although Simpson and Lachey had both been presented with the organization’s Universal Smile Award at a Los Angeles Gala, Simpson ended up traveling to Nakuru, Kenya, with hairdresser Ken Paves, friend Cacee Cobb and her manger-father, Joe Simpson. (source)
In the land of WTF, picture me wearing a tutu, a hockey jersey and holding an assault rifle. That makes as much sense as traveling to Africa on your three-year anniversary with hairdresser in tow. Or maybe it’s offering plastic surgery to children who would probably benefit more from clean water than a “beauty mark” a la Cindy Crawford. Why are we still stewing over the breakup slash divorce almost a year after the fact anyway? Jessica could have caught Nick in compromising positions with a frozen turkey on the bathroom floor and I still wouldn’t give a fuck (although I would definitely google the photos). There’s more interesting news brewing lately. Like how am I gonna explain my recent trip to the clinic to my HMO? Real problems, real world, people! Here’s more of Jessica doing her best to not hide her boobtastic cleavage.
 
Omarosa And Her New Boobs: Size 38WTF
Oct 19th
Omarosa recently underwent plastic surgery for breast enhancement and she’s more than happy to speak out about the details.
No matter how obvious the change, most celebs try to keep their plastic surgery top secret. But not former Apprentice contestant Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth! The 32-year-old reality-show villain was happy to tell Star all about her recent boob job, which she underwent in March as part of the Discovery Channel’s new show, Plastic Surgery Before and After.
“I did it this way to avoid speculation,” she tells Star. “I’ve seen people be dishonest about it. Little girls will try to emulate them and don’t know they’ve gotten breast augmentations, Botox, and this and that.” (source)
Now that’s just irritating. Omarosa can get a fucking article in Star, and I can’t even get employment with Hooters. And mine are real, damnit! I’m considering calling my senator for support because my application didn’t warrant a return phone call. I learned every god damn wing sauce they had from turbo to mild, knew all the beers and everything. I even showed up for interview at the manager’s condo wearing nothing but fishnets and a smile to give him his deep tissue massage [with release]. Shit. Maybe I’m really porn star. I’m no whore! I’m an actress.
