In an interesting turn of events, K-Fed is giving Britney a good kick in the balls she’s grown. Don’t tell me she doesn’t have them. Any chick who shaves her head has a set hidden somewhere.

K-Fed Up should be his new moniker. He is sick and tired of his Ex’s stupidity and believes the kids would be better off with him. I say, good for him. Take your kids from the crazy bitch! Cracking into cars, giving the paparazzi crotch shots (which Fatback loves, ya know), and doing only god knows what the fuck all else, surely isn’t the example you want for your kids.

I never thought I would see the day when I thought K-Fed was a stand up parent, but hey, hell does freeze over occasionally it seems. ‘Course he could just be in it for the money.

As we first reported, K-Fed is going back to court asking for more custody of the kids. Federline just agreed to a 50/50 split. Then, he turned around almost immediately and filed papers asking for 70/30. So why such a sudden change of heart? (source)

It sucks that even in today’s courts you have judges who think the mother is the perfect one for the kids. Not so. Plenty of hot men out there who are excellent fathers. No, I have no clue what the fuck their hotness has to do with it, but damn, I like me some beefalicious daddy.

Alright, catch you later, got to recharge the batteries to the Venus.

These aren’t new, but neither is Britney Spears’ Schadenfruede.

Ok, it’s the holidays and things are slow so I’m going through the posting queue and pulling out some also-rans. Enjoy the stale news bitches.

Repeat after me: Nicole Richie was not in rehab. She was in rehab, wasn’t she?

Nicole Richie wants to clear the air once and for all!

An eyewitness tells Life & Style that the skinny starlet, who had reportedly gone into rehab to seek help for her weight, marched up to gossip blogger Perez Hilton today at LA’s Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and insisted to him: “I was NOT in rehab! Everyone was wrong. I did not go to rehab.” (source)

While probably laden with swimming pools, tennis courts, caviar and movie stars, I’m still pretty sure that building is considered an institution. And your seminar on ‘how to eat more than 6 raisins’ is probably considered therapy. And your 78-pound frame is almost certainly considered to be the cause of an eating disorder. I’m not a doctor, but I have watched several episodes of Grey’s Anatomy so I’m quite sure that qualifies me to make these judgments. Now I’m off to eat a cheeseburger (extra mayo!) while watching my “stories”. Here are some pictures of April Scott a woman who knows what curves are supposed look like.
 

Popstar Jessica Simpson was horrified recently when an on-line friend turned out to be a male escort. WTF? OMG, I bet she didn’t LOL. W/E!

“Jessica logged on [to an Internet matchmaking service] to find company,” reveals a friend. “She found a picture of a guy in LA she thought was ideal.”
However, her hopefulness turned to horror when she discovered the man she was meeting was a prostitute.
“They arranged to meet, but when she turned up, she found out the sad truth — he was only interested in a ‘professional transaction’. The guy turned out to be a male escort.”
The blonde singer has publicly admitted she needs a man. “I’m a little sexually frustrated right now,” she told US talk show host Jay Leno recently.
Having no luck with her celebrity encounters, pals say Jessica turned to the Net to find a regular guy. Insiders say she was also trying to score a date behind the back of her controlling father and manager Joe Simpson, who doesn’t believe anyone is good enough for his A-list daughter. (source)

Well with the IQ of a used condom and creepy Papa Simpson always one step ahead [with one hand down his pants], it’s no wonder she can’t bag a man. I did the Internet dating thing once; all the cool kids were doing it and I was desperate after my guy ran off with my other guy (it was a horrible case of ménage a.. what the..?). I began chatting with a software engineer who was charming and funny and attractive…and also serving a 9 year prison sentence for a postal mix-up gone terribly wrong. Conjugal visits were exciting, but it didn’t last long; what with his with the inclination to commit felonies, my looking pasty and pale under halogen lighting. That’s just no way to build true romance. Que sera, sera.

No real reason for that old pic except, if you look close you can see Jessica’s American Pride.

Nip/Tuck star Joely Richardson (Julia McNamara) has decided to leave the show momentarily to care for her daughter, who was diagnosed with circulation problems when she was born. Her daughter is set to receive multiple surgeries. Hurry back, Julia!

Richardson admits she had no choice when it came to deciding to quit her hit show. She adds, “I love my work but I had to be in two places at once and I thought, ‘If it were all over tomorrow, what would I regret?’ It would be not being there for her.” Richardson fears she’ll never be able to return to “Nip/Tuck,” but series creator Ryan Murphy is hoping her character Julia McNamara, will be back. He says, “I don’t want to do the show without her.” (source)

I am undeniably addicted to this show and no one will ever understand the bond like another addict. It’s scandalous, outrageous, racy, sexy, and dramatic. It’s like the TV version of my life, complete with lipo, expensive cars, naked women and midgets! Except I still have both my kidneys. While I’ve never cared for Joely’s character, which could be the mark of a good actress, I hate to see her go, especially now that she banged the male nanny (slash little person) Marlo. She’s upwards of 5’10’’; he’s downwards of 4’5’’. So many questions, so little time.

Salma Hayek blah blah TV show blah blah Ugly Betty blah blah. BOOBS! I personally have one of the nicest racks this side of the Mason-Dixon (it’s been proven in 9 states, fellas!) and even I can’t help but drool over Salma Hayek’s devastatingly perfect rack. The only thing better would be if her bra was even more ill-fitting and revealing. Actually, it would be better if I was in the elevator with her and we accidentally got stuck for a few hours. We got stuck because I might have promised the elevator repairman a trip “around the world” to write down the wrong building address. But I digress. Boobs!

Love, Emily!

Funny thing. I, too, baked a cake when the ’state’ ruled I did not have to pay the fines for possession of killer good looks. Zing! It was clever in my mind, at least. I had no idea who Shanna Moakler was until recently, but she quickly soared to the top of my “shouldn’t be in public for fear of homicide” list. She’s fucking scary, like she’ll burn cigarettes into your back while making love on the kitchen floor, then splash you with a glass of vodka as she calls you a ‘perv’ and walks out the door, which makes her all the more attractive, which, incidentally, is the image I’m building so in summation: she’s my role model. Here’s some photos of Shanna from various places. That last one is a preview of the new stuff shot she just did. Dirty slave.

“I went there on our three-year wedding anniversary,” she tells Jane magazine for its November issue. “He stayed home”

Simpson was part of a travel contingent representing Operation Smile, a not-for-profit, volunteer medical services organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery to indigent children in remote areas.

Although Simpson and Lachey had both been presented with the organization’s Universal Smile Award at a Los Angeles Gala, Simpson ended up traveling to Nakuru, Kenya, with hairdresser Ken Paves, friend Cacee Cobb and her manger-father, Joe Simpson. (source)

In the land of WTF, picture me wearing a tutu, a hockey jersey and holding an assault rifle. That makes as much sense as traveling to Africa on your three-year anniversary with hairdresser in tow. Or maybe it’s offering plastic surgery to children who would probably benefit more from clean water than a “beauty mark” a la Cindy Crawford. Why are we still stewing over the breakup slash divorce almost a year after the fact anyway? Jessica could have caught Nick in compromising positions with a frozen turkey on the bathroom floor and I still wouldn’t give a fuck (although I would definitely google the photos). There’s more interesting news brewing lately. Like how am I gonna explain my recent trip to the clinic to my HMO? Real problems, real world, people! Here’s more of Jessica doing her best to not hide her boobtastic cleavage.

No matter how obvious the change, most celebs try to keep their plastic surgery top secret. But not former Apprentice contestant Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth! The 32-year-old reality-show villain was happy to tell Star all about her recent boob job, which she underwent in March as part of the Discovery Channel’s new show, Plastic Surgery Before and After.

“I did it this way to avoid speculation,” she tells Star. “I’ve seen people be dishonest about it. Little girls will try to emulate them and don’t know they’ve gotten breast augmentations, Botox, and this and that.” (source)

Now that’s just irritating. Omarosa can get a fucking article in Star, and I can’t even get employment with Hooters. And mine are real, damnit! I’m considering calling my senator for support because my application didn’t warrant a return phone call. I learned every god damn wing sauce they had from turbo to mild, knew all the beers and everything. I even showed up for interview at the manager’s condo wearing nothing but fishnets and a smile to give him his deep tissue massage [with release]. Shit. Maybe I’m really porn star. I’m no whore! I’m an actress.

Holy shit. What a way to start the day. I had know idea who the fuck Rachel Zoe was when she scared the shit out of me in this photo. Bitch. Apparently, she’s the hot stylist to stars like Portia de Rossi and Jennifer Garner. Alias is a ’show’ about a spy. This chick’s been rode hard and put away wet. Stylist? Yeah, if your style is ‘broken down gas station car wash with dead a cat caught in the gears’. But I don’t suppose everyone can be as youthful, healthy and vivacious as I. I’m pretty sure she won’t win the Suck-Bang-Blow Bike Rally wet t-shirt contest 2 years in row. Just sayin’. Eat your heart out, Rachel! Mmmwah!
-Emily

Emily here. TGI Fucking Friday! Hilary Duff and boyfriend Joel Madden have recently filed for a restraining order against two alleged stalkers (and this time it’s not me!) Duff is claiming it has escalated to a level in which she fears for her life and has requested the men stay at least 100 yards away.

Hilary Duff claims in court documents that she fears for her life, alleging she and her boyfriend are being stalked by two men — one a paparazzi and the other a homeless man.

TMZ has obtained court documents filed today in Los Angeles Superior Court, in which Duff and Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden claim that a 19-year-old Russian emigre came to the United States “for the sole purpose of meeting and becoming romantically involved with Ms. Duff.”

The court documents state the man, whose first name is Max, “admitted to being ‘obsessed’ with her, has stated his intention of ‘removing’ his ‘enemies’ (i.e., those who prevent him from being with her), has stated his intention of purchasing a weapon, and has threatened to kill himself and to engage in dramatic actions to get her attention.”(source)

I don’t know what Hilary’s so uptight about; a stranger willing to die in an attempt to win her affection is flattery at its peak! Ask any southern girl. And, that’s just par for the course at the Chateau d’Emily. So many injuries sustained by suitors falling out of the tree outside my bedroom window. I guess I could close the blinds when I do my naked Pilates, but then I would miss out on all those nice people just dying to meet me. There’s nothing like a love confession from a man (or woman!) hanging from a tree, wearing nothing but a long gray trench coat, army boots and a smile to bolster a girl’s ego. That’s not crazy baby, that’s love. How do you think I met my current boyfriend? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost visiting hours.

Oh, for you Pervy McCrotchrubber’s, here are more pictures of Hilary with Hayden Panettiere sucking on a lollipop and being too goddamn young for you. Perv.