Christina Aguilera has just about everything a person would want in life. Stunning good looks. Millions of dollars. Obscenely huge celebrity. And she even has a family of her own where when she is not recording music she is raising her offspring which is pretty much the American dream. Well unless you are Britney Spears in which case she looks at her children as a pain in the ass diversion from fame and fortune.

Now Xtina is opening up about an abusive upbringing she had with her father while growing up. She witnessed a lot of pushing and shoving and arguing which led her to focus even more intently on her singing. I have no idea what an argument would do to a person that could in anyway make them a better singer but that is what Xtina is claiming so I am going to go with it. I just think, especially since the recent passing of Michael Jackson, that she shouldn’t be claiming she had a terrible childhood when it is a known fact that Joe Jackson beat the living fuck out of his kids with a belt practically every night.

When some people come from broken homes they try to find their father/mother figures in lovers and will do anything to draw attention to themselves. That is why I am suggesting that Xtina go to Playboy. Hugh loves blondes and she would make a lot of men happy just by flashing her badge. Trust me Xtina. People will accept you then. You would become a “normal”. I have never steered you wrong in the past Xtina so just shut the fuck up and do it before I gave you another knuckle sandwich.

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God.

Almighty.

Christina Aguilera’s rack looks like it’s about to spill out like the Nile in rainy season. Maybe that’s why she did her makeup like an Egyptian drag queen. Although, I don’t think many people were looking at her eyes when she wore this dress to the VMA’s the last week. Down south we’d say that Christina Aguilera is built like a brick shithouse, and honestly I have about ZERO idea what that means. But I would like to sit her down and feed her some soul food. She looks like she’d eat some cracklin’ cornbread.

Christina Aguilera was not playing around at the Dior Show in New York this week. She wore an 80′s (60′s?) style dress circa Saved By the Bell, and completely pulled it off because of the post pregnancy BigASSTittiesâ„¢.

Christina Aguilera is looking more like a character from TV show Dallas than a Dirrty girl these days.

Following in the 80s revival footsteps of Victoria Beckham, yummy mum Xtina wore this all-white power-dress to the Dior show in New York. (Mirror)

I’ve always had a mortal fear of pregnant chicks. To me they’re like the Bunyip is to the Aborigines – loud, scary and may kill you and eat you if you’re not careful. However, the one cool side effect of vomiting a baby sack out of your junk is the onset of gigantic boobies. Of course, this only works if you have a personal trainer to work out the other parts. So all you postpartum ladies driving your minivans to the Krispy Kreme drive-thru take note: If you’re still wearing the stretch pants when your baby starts to walk, you failed.

PS. Did you see that colon? Education = success.

“I’m so going stir-crazy in the house . . . This whole incredible thing that’s taken part in my life, between the pregnancy and the birth, I’ve got so much to be inspired about and so much in my life to write about. I’ve been brain-storming for the last nine months, actually. This next album will have a whole new me, so there’s a lot to look forward to.”

A whole lot to look forward to, and a whole lot of Christina for us to look at now . . .

[Editors note: God. Damn. -Fatback]

Check out Christina Aguilera in Maxim’s March issue where she reveals wicked bedroom secrets. Sassy!

Maxim: There seems to be new celebrity divorce in the tabloids every week. How do you guys keep it going? Role-playing? Costumes?

CA: How did you get into my bedroom? [laughs] We always have fun. I like to play doctor.
Maxim: Details, please.

CA: I got Jordan a doctor’s outfit with a doctor’s bag full of sex toys. I wore the naughty nurse costume, of course.

With all the Anna Nicole Smiths, Britneys and Hiltons (et al) fucking it up for everyone, it’s nice to see that someone with a real talent can still make a living these days. Christina Aguilera is a little teeney smokin’ hot pixie and just want to kiss her on head and put her in my pocket. It’s almost unfair that she’s so hot and she can sing so well. It’s like having sex with a prostitute and then she decides to let have it for free. And you weren’t even going to kill this one. Remember we promised ourself? Okay, that’s a little different. I bet she’d look good in duct tape.