Carrie Underwood
Thank God It’s Over
May 22nd
The American Idol finale was last night and like you, I was glued to my set. OMG can you believe David won? Hahahaha. Not really, dumbass. See you thought we were going to be friends just now. And we could IM about what Syesha wore last week and which David was going to win and we’d giggle and LOL. And you’d tell me about that time in middle school when you did something inappropriate with your My Little Pony because you had strange feelings. And then afterward, it was awkward and it just felt weird to have My Little Pony hanging out with the rest of your dolls, because you know, now she was damaged goods and Malibu Barbie called her a whore and you know what bitch she can be.
David Cook wins! Hurray for America!
American Idol is a whore factory
Apr 30th
By now you’ve probably heard about the latest former American Idol contestant to embarrass her family and generally act like a drunken piece of trash, Jessica Sierra. It seems that ole’ Jess got herself into a bit of trouble on Saturday night when she got into a bar fight in Tampa and was found to have some Bolivian marching powder in her purse. She was reportedly abusive to the arresting officers after she threw a cocktail glass at a fellow booze hound.
It appears that since she was kicked off of Idol, Jessica Sierra (porno name, anyone?) has tried to get a record contact and has been WORKING AT HOOTERS. Let’s see: cocaine, alcohol, trampy name, reality show cast-off, and now my favorite delightfully tacky, yet unrefined restaurant. This girl’s life reads like a Mad Libs of American white trash. To complete the sweep, she might as well release a sex tape that was filmed in her single-wide where she smokes Kools and chugs Boone’s Farm straight from the bottle. God bless Tampa, home of 94% of America’s whores, and God bless Jessica Sierra and the plate of curly fries and wings she is currently serving to a trucker.
While I wouldn’t fuck Jessica Sierra with Kelly Clarkson’s dick, I do have a soft spot for the lovely Ms. Carrie Underwood. Something tells me that Carrie’s never donned orange hot pants and a tank top. [Ed. note: Shooter, I just know she has. If there is a a god in heaven...]
I was Born Country. CMA’s Roundup
Nov 7th
Nothing like a steel guitar to send me to my roots and warm my soul. And seeing as how I’m committed to highlighting Southern sexy gossip, here’s some quick CMA Award Red Carpet shots, y’all.
The Good
Gretchen Wilson is simple but damn hot. Redneck women unite!
The Bad
Is it feathers? Is it hair? It’s Laura Birna and it’s wrong.
The Ugly
Bombshell? Kind of a misnomer, huh? Is that a combover? I am so lost.
The Smokin Hot
Carrie Underwood could be dressed in a laundry basket with silly string in her hair and she’d still be the most adorable thing this side of Canada. Actually, that’d probably make her even cuter.
The Owned
Here’s Faith Hill, ever the gracious country lady, taking the news that she just lost out to an American Idol contestant.
[gv data="S_P-aYADTkw"][/gv]
