Beyonce
Beyonce Knowles Sounds Like Shit
Apr 22nd
Beyonce Knowles is a very famous singer. But most of the time when she performs live she is lip syncing and when you hear her on the radio, it is an edited version of the song. However, when she performed on the Today Show she sang live and they edited the shit out of that mix and then aired it. Howard Stern, the king of all media, got a hold of the unmastered mix of Beyonce on the Today Show. And it is enough to make your skin crawl.
I am sure that fans of Beyonce, or Sasha Fierce, or whatever the fuck she calls herself these days, will be able to distinguish which song she was singing. But the average man like me can not really tell. Basically, if you took a cat and drowned it while using its own claws to scrape a chalkboard, then you would get an idea of how the song sounded. In other words, great job Beyonce! I will totally come to your concerts from now on.
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Links that take vocal lessons before performing
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Don’t Mess with Aretha–The Queen May Eat You
Feb 14th
Goddamn Beyonce, don’t you know better than to piss off Aretha Franklin? Seriously you shouldn’t be messing with someone five times your size!
And what did Beyonce do to make Aretha steaming mad? Well remember her half-sung, half-spoken monologue she performed at the Grammy’s as an introduction for Tina Turner? Remember in her last line when she referred to Tina as “the Queen.” Yeah. As far as Aretha Franklin is concerned, she is the only Queen. And now she feels all disrespected by Beyonce.
“I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé. However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy,” a clearly offended Franklin said in an unprompted statement issued by her publicist.
People may think Beyonce is “thick,” but she has nothing on Aretha. She better watch her ass!
Beyonce is your fat aunt
Oct 25th
The average person in the audience weighed like 90 pounds, so I don’t know if Beyonce was just trying to be mean or sarcastic by wearing this gold thing at her concert in Ethiopia last week. It sure does look that way. You normally only see thighs like this on Big Bird’s imaginary friend or on purple dinosaurs who sing songs to kids about friendship and sharing.
Beyonce Dresses Appropriately
Aug 22nd
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Ok so, here’s a video of Beyonce’s dress flying up during a concert in Toronto last week. I guess it would be cool if you could see her tits or if she had any tits, but the whole thing is just a blurry mess. Kinda like her dancing. She looks like Michael Vick is electrocuting her. And from what I hear, that’s not really as cool as it sounds.
