Fatback Media

Goddamn Beyonce, don’t you know better than to piss off Aretha Franklin? Seriously you shouldn’t be messing with someone five times your size!

And what did Beyonce do to make Aretha steaming mad? Well remember her half-sung, half-spoken monologue she performed at the Grammy’s as an introduction for Tina Turner? Remember in her last line when she referred to Tina as “the Queen.” Yeah. As far as Aretha Franklin is concerned, she is the only Queen. And now she feels all disrespected by Beyonce.

“I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé. However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy,” a clearly offended Franklin said in an unprompted statement issued by her publicist.

People may think Beyonce is “thick,” but she has nothing on Aretha. She better watch her ass!

The average person in the audience weighed like 90 pounds, so I don’t know if Beyonce was just trying to be mean or sarcastic by wearing this gold thing at her concert in Ethiopia last week. It sure does look that way. You normally only see thighs like this on Big Bird’s imaginary friend or on purple dinosaurs who sing songs to kids about friendship and sharing.

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Ok so, here’s a video of Beyonce’s dress flying up during a concert in Toronto last week. I guess it would be cool if you could see her tits or if she had any tits, but the whole thing is just a blurry mess. Kinda like her dancing. She looks like Michael Vick is electrocuting her. And from what I hear, that’s not really as cool as it sounds.

These are dangerous times for blonde-haired, white-bread celebs. Britney has proven herself to be certifiably crazy, Jessica Simpson only makes headlines for losing weight, and the other Simpson seemingly doesn’t exist now that her physical transformation is complete. On the other hand, Jessica Alba currently corners the market on hot, Rihanna is in every single magazine and billboard this summer, and Gabrielle Garcelle Beauvais is rocking the cover and a spread in Playboy this month. Gone are the blondes, and in are a crop of gorgeously ethnic women. This is not good news for flaxen-haired Miss Lennox at all.

Shape magazine has also hopped on the exotic craze and figured out a way to appeal to both the demographics of their readership and the zeigeist that craves curvy, bronzed beauties. With a little Photoshop magic, they take like, OMG, white chick Hilary Duff and Beyoncify her in their current issue. Ethnic Hilary is certainly spicy and Miss Lennox loves it! But to make her a little less vanilla, Shape’s Photo Editor could have gone the extra mile and used the Pen Tool to give Hil some Shakira hips.

God y’all, I suddenly feel the strong urge to go for a spray tan.

TMZ reports an employee of Wolfgang Puck catering services, who recently catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A and could have possibly spread it to the attendees. Scandalous!

An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department, warning the star-studded crowd who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, and dozens of ridiculously hot bikini models.

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party, or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 - 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness. (source)

I don’t get it? The chance of a communicable disease, a raid by Colombian gangsters, incurable case of carpet burn and a paternity test nine months down the road are the marks of every Hollywood party I’ve ever been to. And Hep A, who doesn’t have that, anymore? It’s like the country club strain of Hep diseases. I think newborns in California are just inoculated with it when they get their MMR vaccinations. I’m pretty sure it’s a law.

Hep C. Now that’s some shit you can sink you’re teeth into: tattoos, drug use, high risk sexual practices, voodoo. Ain’t no party like a Hep C party ‘cuz a Hep C party don’t quit, bitches.

I’m kidding! Don’t do drugs. And have your pets spayed or neutered. EMcrest., OUT!