Bar Refaeli is probably the hottest jewish girl I have ever seen. And this month she is on the cover of Sports Illustrated in their annual Swimsuit Edition. I met her once and asked if she wanted to go on a date. She said something along the lines of, “having your penis in me would be career suicide.” I took that as a maybe. Afterwards we grabbed a drink and we made out. OK that last part was made up but she said all I needed to do was work out a little more and get a nose job and I would be a catch.

About $5,000 and one personal trainer later and I will go back to L.A. to try to score a date with her. If any other models hit on me during that period I will have to turn them down and pursue my one true love. OK let’s face it, I will probably hook up with the other models as well. It is not because I am selfish. It is because when I dohook up with Bar Refaeli, I want to be good in bed. I am not gonna waste your time with words anymore. Here are some more pictures of Bar in the recent issue of Sports Illustrated.

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Damn, Bar Rafaeli is a big bitch. It looks like she could put Diane Kruger in her pocket. I love big tall chicks. Makes me want to tackle the shit out of ‘em. You know they can fight – from all the teasing and hazing they got from being a giant kid at school. People don’t forget... I bet Bar Rafaeli could pull some Mossad martial arts shit too, and break a brother’s arm. Would be totally worth it. If you try to bang a big bitch like her and don’t come out of it with a black eye and bruised ego, you’re not doing something right.

Guests at Ashton Kutcher’s birthday party a few weeks ago have been asked to get Hepatitis tests because a bartender later tested positive for the virus. I guess that will teach the Jews not to kill god’s son.

It may sound like an episode of Punk’d – but this time it’s real.Guests at Ashton Kutcher’s 30th birthday party at the trendy New York bar Socialista are being urged to get a Hepatitis A vaccination because one of the bartenders was infected.

Among the A-listers at the Feb. 7 event: Kutcher’s wife Demi Moore, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Salma Hayek.

The bartender also worked on Feb. 8 and Feb. 11. (PEOPLE)

Ok. To be fair, this wasn’t a Kabbalah party. And the Kabbalah really has nothing to do with Hepatitis or God’s Wrath. I think. Plus not all Jews are part of the Kabbalah and almost no Kabbalah members are actually Jews either. So it’s really not a Jewish cult like they tell you it is on the 700 Club. It’s more of an extortion scheme by the bankers who run Hollywood and the diamond markets. Also, the bartender would have had to either bleed on everyone or fuck the whole guest list for there to be a problem. Advantage: slutty bartender.

On a journalistic note did you catch how PEOPLE magazine set up that story like a trailer for Bad Boys II? Shit just got real…

Also real: how hot Bar Rafaeli is.