Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

Jessica Simpson, beyond desperate for a comeback, and borderline looney, is seeking advice from pop diva Mariah Carey to get her back on track. I know, right? Where do we even go from here?

Jess has turned to the Queen of Comebacks for inspiration. In July 2001, Mariah made a bizarre appearance on MTV’s TRL, on which she performed a striptease and handed out ice cream to the audience. The five-octave soprano then had a breakdown in a Manhattan hotel, smashing crockery and cutting her feet and hands. She was ultimately admitted to the Silver Hill Hospital for what her publicist described as “an emotional and physical breakdown.”

Fucking classic!

“Jessica has been singing Mariah’s praises endlessly,” a friend of the former MTV reality star dishes to OK!. “She thinks Mariah is amazing and appreciates that she may be able to learn from her. Jessica’s career has lost steam, but she feels that with the right advice, she could be back on track.” “Jessica and Mariah are discovering they have a lot in common and are speaking frequently by phone,” (source)

Double U. Tee. Eff.

My 78 year-old grandma on an oxygen machine, smoking Kool Menthols, watching Jerry Springer in her trailer is less white trash than this story. I could talk about Chladni’s figures of acoustic modes of vibration and oscillation in classical physics and it’d sooner make sense than seeking advice from Mariah Carey. (Math nerds, call me.)

A lot in common. Hmmm. White-trash image? Check. Disastrous public love-life? Check. Box office bombs? Check. Big boobs? Double D check. Maybe it isn’t a stretch, but I still wouldn’t seek guidance from an ice cream pushing, masochistic psychopath. If I want that kind of advice, I’ll call mom. Cheer up, Jessica, you can’t sing for shit and your love-life is a joke, but you still have your outrageously sweet rack to keep you afloat. Keep up those cheese sammiches, girl. America thanks you. (pics via)

I’m back! Happy New Year, bitches. I hope your holidays were sexy and drama-free. Santa brought me a two hour session at the massage parlor – with release. But I’m still Emily from the block (holla!). As it turns out, the ‘do not mix with alcohol’ pill bottle warning label is there for a reason…one I didn’t figure out ‘til after my second hour at the clinic. At least my doctor was cute. But I digress. That hot dude up there with the superhero back and rock hard badonkadonk? Well that’s Jessica Biel proving again that she’s more of a man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever get. Shazam. I love Jessica Biel because she’s a hot hottie who’s clearly not afraid of a little juice in the caboose. She would also kick your ass any day, any time. She may look innocent, mature and radiant, but those are always the ones leaving you in the parking lot with your heart in your hand. Literally.

Links for dat ass:

• Brand new college boobies, y’all! (College Humor)
• Anna NIcole Smith is a god damn dummy [corporation] (Yeeeah)
• Wentworth Miller and the gayest quote. Ever. (Gossip or Truth)
• Madonna. World class kidnapper. (Derek Hail)
• Children of Men reviewed. The end is nigh mothafuckas. (Pajiba)
• Sienna Miller is so damn cute that would physically eat her. (Bastardly)
• Sharon Stone wants to cougar up with Lindsay Lohan. rrreeow (Smart)

Okay, so there’s no breaking news, it’s just an excuse to feature Scarlett’s lovelies. Apparently, she is worried her career will not last much longer. She also disclosed she’s a big fan of Uma Thurman’s body. Clearly, Scarlett has never stepped foot in front of a reflective surface.

The 22-year-old actress, who starred in her first film aged just 12, admits she fears every film will be her last. Scarlett said: “Do I ever get nervous about this, right now, being the pinnacle of my career? Yeah I do. At the end of every movie I think ‘Wow – this is the last one! Nice working with you.’” Meanwhile, Scarlett has revealed she thinks Uma Thurman has the perfect body. The blonde actress was blown away by the ‘Kill Bill’ star’s amazing physique when she first saw her on the big screen.
(source)

Funny. “Peaked too soon” is usually used in conjunction with the men who watch Scarlett’s movies. Uma is cool if you’re into super-slim kung-fu slayers, but I think Scarlett’s killer rack and accepting attitude jet her above the competition and into the rotation of my Vegas fantasies. “What happens in Vegas….stays with you until the antibiotics kick in.” They conveniently leave that out of the commercials. Stupid girl in the cowboy hat riding a horse.

Ok, it’s the holidays and things are slow so I’m going through the posting queue and pulling out some also-rans. Enjoy the stale news bitches.

Repeat after me: Nicole Richie was not in rehab. She was in rehab, wasn’t she?

Nicole Richie wants to clear the air once and for all!

An eyewitness tells Life & Style that the skinny starlet, who had reportedly gone into rehab to seek help for her weight, marched up to gossip blogger Perez Hilton today at LA’s Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and insisted to him: “I was NOT in rehab! Everyone was wrong. I did not go to rehab.” (source)

While probably laden with swimming pools, tennis courts, caviar and movie stars, I’m still pretty sure that building is considered an institution. And your seminar on ‘how to eat more than 6 raisins’ is probably considered therapy. And your 78-pound frame is almost certainly considered to be the cause of an eating disorder. I’m not a doctor, but I have watched several episodes of Grey’s Anatomy so I’m quite sure that qualifies me to make these judgments. Now I’m off to eat a cheeseburger (extra mayo!) while watching my “stories”. Here are some pictures of April Scott a woman who knows what curves are supposed look like.
 

No matter how obvious the change, most celebs try to keep their plastic surgery top secret. But not former Apprentice contestant Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth! The 32-year-old reality-show villain was happy to tell Star all about her recent boob job, which she underwent in March as part of the Discovery Channel’s new show, Plastic Surgery Before and After.

“I did it this way to avoid speculation,” she tells Star. “I’ve seen people be dishonest about it. Little girls will try to emulate them and don’t know they’ve gotten breast augmentations, Botox, and this and that.” (source)

Now that’s just irritating. Omarosa can get a fucking article in Star, and I can’t even get employment with Hooters. And mine are real, damnit! I’m considering calling my senator for support because my application didn’t warrant a return phone call. I learned every god damn wing sauce they had from turbo to mild, knew all the beers and everything. I even showed up for interview at the manager’s condo wearing nothing but fishnets and a smile to give him his deep tissue massage [with release]. Shit. Maybe I’m really porn star. I’m no whore! I’m an actress.