Fatback Media

Oo La La. This is some of the best news I have heard in a long time in the tabloids. But like most sexy news out there. It is stifled by a prude bitch named Mary-Kate Olsen. You see, news has leaked that Ashley Olsen is tired of her small boobs and little girl body and wants to get breast implants in an attempt to make her more voluptuous. However, since these two airheads are joined at the waist, Ashley won’t get them unless Mary-Kate gets them too. She doesn’t wanna make it too obvious that she got work done. But isn’t that usually the point? You get breast implants because you are an attention whore and want people to know you’re there.

All of this has caused a lot of bad blood among the twins. Mary-Kate is “sick of Ashley telling her how to look.” This is some of the best news I have heard in a long time. The Olsen twins are notorious for being prudes but if they both got breast implants they may become a little more outgoing. Meaning they may actually go skinny dipping or pose topless in a men’s magazine. Of course this may be asking too much, but I don’t think it is that far fetched.

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Links Y’all

Christina Aguilera has a new song- Allie Is Wired

God damn Amanda Bynes is hot- Drunken Stepfather

Another failed reality show- IBBB

Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo- I Don’t Want Your Life

More celebrity baby news- notorious news

Madonna had a sex contract- IDLYITW

Tori Spelling is fat- Geno’s World

Vikki Blows is topless- Hollywood Tuna

Larry Birkhead is hittin’ the road- popbytes

First of all, damn, my artwork certainly should be admired here. Those hearts look like they were powered by the motor skills of a curious 5 year old who got into Papa’s open bourbon bottle when he passed out. But enough about my childhood . . .

Anyway, I’m not sure I get either of these alleged matches. Usually when you’re 21 and dating an older dude with an ex-wife and some kids it’s because he’s got a lot more money than you do. This is not the case with Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong so I can’t fathom why she spent Halloween on his lap at some bar in NY. Furthermore, in the case of Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson, all I can say is that she must be awfully desperate to take on Owen’s kind of baggage. According to the always-credible Star magazine:

“The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home. ‘He couldn’t keep his hands off her,’ a witness told the mag.”

I probably wouldn’t be able to keep my hands of of Jessica Simpson either, but . . .

Oh anyway, I guess only time will tell if these dates turn into more, or if these ladies wise up.

Goddamn.

When I picture a lesbian threesome with the Olsen Twins and another celebrity, the third party is certainly not Amy Winehouse. In fact, she belongs nowhere near that picture. Though, I guess the three could stand around and play a game of ‘Who has the stabbiest hip bone?’ I would hope, too, that Mary-Kate and/or Ashley would give Amy a good talking to about her new skunk streak of blonde hair.

But Jesus Christ, Amy Winehouse is still alive? Really? Well, it’s only a matter of time until she’s found dead in a pool of her own vomit, or one of her veins bursts, or her heart stops after an 8-Ball episode. Whatever the cause of death, it’s sure to be happening soon. In the meantime, she and her perhaps even more visually offensive, Blake Fielder-Civil, attended a fashion show for the Olsen Twins’ new clothing line last night. Classy!