Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie Not Pregnant. Just crazy.
Nov 26th
First she is pregnant. And then she isn’t. Both stories coming straight out of the pie hole of Us magazine. If they are gonna go with a story then go with the story. Don’t back track and tell people “sorry. We are retards.” The rumors started floating this time around because a waiter, apparently, asked Angelina if she wanted some wine and she, apparently, refused and said she was pregnant. But that was all a work of fiction according to Us now.
To add fuel to the fire rumors, sources were speculating that Angelina moved the production of her new movie Edwin A. Salt up because she didn’t want to show a baby bump in the flick. Is it me, or are people genuinely disgusted and bored with pregnancy rumors. Especially the ones surrounding Angelina Jolie. They already have six kids. Brad said this to Oprah Winfrey, ” It’s the greatest endeavor I’ve ever taken on. Why stop now?” Maybe because having kids isn’t an endeavor. It’s serious business. Anyway if Brad Pitt isn’t tired of having all the ankle biters around him 24/7, give him time.
Angelina Jolie May Cut Her Film Career Short
Oct 23rd
Saint Angelina has bitten off more than she could chew. With six kids, 3 biological and 3 adopted, she said it may be time to give her career the shank. She tells Italian Vanity Fair,”The kids are my priority, so its possible that from now on I will make fewer movies. I may even stop altogether.” She goes on to say that she doesn’t have the same abition she had in her 20′s. Maybe that’s because she has more money than God. That could have something to do with it.
For the life of me I do not know what makes this woman tick. I warned people since last year that if Angelina comes to your little country and you are a little kid, you should stay as far away as possible. Eating uncooked rice off the ground and wrapping ripped up t-shirts around your feet for makeshift shoes may seem bad now but Angelina will kidnap you and bring you into a life of superficial material possesions and cavallier ignorance for the poor. And if you do get adopted don’t think you will be able to suck on her ta-tas. Those are for her American kids. Her biological kids. Her REAL kids. Doesn’t sound good anymore does it?
Angelina Jolie really likes drugs
May 1st
A videotape of Angelina doing mounds of drugs back in the 90′s is reportedly being shopped around to the highest bidder.
A source tells the National Enquirer the tape shows Jolie, before she was famous, taking drugs with friends.
The actress has admitted using hard drugs in the past. She once said, “I’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD everything. I hate heroin because I’ve been fascinated with it. I’m not immune, but I won’t do it now, at all.” However, video proof could damage her career and reputation as a charity campaigner.
“The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, ‘Wow, this is really good smack – not that cheap crap that’s been stepped on.’ Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube.” (Starpulse)
To be fair, drugs are actually pretty cool. I mean, all the cool kids do them, they make you feel good and sometimes they even get you laid. So all in all, I’d say that Sgt. McGruff is just a dick. What the fuck does he know? He’s a dog for God’s sake. In a trench coat.
Angelina Jolie is Still Good
Oct 12th
Reports were everywhere yesterday that Angelina Jolie and her estranged father, actor Jon Voight, had a secret meeting in New York, but turns out it didn’t happen. Us Magazine says:
Though a source tells Us it was the late Marcheline Bertrand’s “dying wish†that ex-husband Jon Voight, 68, and their daughter, Angelina Jolie, 32, make amends, it hasn’t happened yet. The Internet buzzed with rumors of a truce when Voight was spotted October 7 at the Waldorf-Astoria, the NYC hotel where Jolie is staying. But Voight’s rep tells Us, “It’s all a mistake. They didn’t see each other all weekend.â€
Whew, that was close. If I was Brad Pitt, I’d talk to someone about taking a restraining order out on Jon Voight, because nothing beats big tits and daddy issues. They only thing that might be better is a hot chick with the self-esteem of a nuclear spill victim. All you have to do is say her hair looks nice and two minutes later her panties will be on the ceiling fan and you’ll be getting rode like a mechanical bull.
