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The American Idol finale was last night and like you, I was glued to my set. OMG can you believe David won? Hahahaha. Not really, dumbass. See you thought we were going to be friends just now. And we could IM about what Syesha wore last week and which David was going to win and we’d giggle and LOL. And you’d tell me about that time in middle school when you did something inappropriate with your My Little Pony because you had strange feelings. And then afterward, it was awkward and it just felt weird to have My Little Pony hanging out with the rest of your dolls, because you know, now she was damaged goods and Malibu Barbie called her a whore and you know what bitch she can be.

David Cook wins! Hurray for America!

Idol Finalist and Fatback Media country fried fave, Kristy Lee Cook had herself a diva moment in her hometown of Grants Pass, OR this week when she called a local salon to get a mani-pedi. Except not.

Kristy asked to be ushered in through the back door to avoid the crowds of adoring fans. Only problem, there weren’t any!  No one at the salon had even heard of her. Needless to say, Cook walked in unharmed by the swarm of no one and got her nails and feet did. It’s hard being famous y’all! (TMZ)

Here, here. Maybe if she was little more racy, she would have been remembered. Take Katharine McPhee. Can we name 1 song she sang on American Idol? No. We remember tits & ass and yellow dresses. You have to push the envelope, baby. Actually, take the envelope run it through the shredder. Nude. Then you’ll be on the right track. Maybe she could have been the foul mouthed country girl who could change a truck tire and always had a dirty joke handy. Like these:

1. What do you get when you accidentally run over a 4 year old? An erection.
2. Wow, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth except my father’s dick.

Comedy. Gold. I have to give credit where filthy credit is due. The first joke is by my man Quist-gon-jin, and the second is from a collection by JGA. Remember Kristy, nobody remembers the stuck up country princess, but they do remember the country whore.

American Idol contestant Carly Smithson’s song choice - and not her voice- may have been the deciding factor in her ouster last week from the “singing” competition. From the NYT:

Carly Smithson might be the first “American Idol” contestant to be voted off the show for blasphemy.

Online chat boards devoted to “American Idol” have been abuzz since Ms. Smithson performed the title song from “Jesus Christ Superstar” - the 1970 rock opera, which many Christians consider offensive - on Tuesday’s episode. Ms. Smithson received the fewest votes of the six remaining contestants following her Tuesday performance.   ***

“Jesus Christ Superstar” has been railed against by some Christians for its portrayal of Jesus as confused and at times unwilling to accept his role, and because it hints that he had a sexual relationship with Mary Magdalene.

In the title song, Judas Iscariot rebukes Jesus for poor planning in his choice of when and where to present himself on earth and asks Jesus to contrast himself with Buddha and Muhammad. (NYT)

What the Christ loving fuck, dude? I had to write a review for Jesus Christ Superstar when I was in college (down south) for a journalism class. When I told my grandmother, she said that I was going to burn in hell if I saw it. I said, first of all, I think Jesus wants me to get an A, and if that means seeing play that your preacher doesn’t like, then I think J-man would totally turn the other cheek on that shit. Second, How can you not go see a play about Jesus where the orchestra is an actual rock band with guitars and wah wahs and shit, and where Judas is a hot black chick with her tits hanging out? You can’t grandma, you can’t. Now shut the fuck up and make me some fried chicken.

The point of all this is: You’ve won again middle American self-righteous Wal-Mart shoppers. Please elect another republican so I can pay higher gas prices and more of my friends can die in a baseless war. Yes, I just attributed the downfall of western civilization to American Idol voters. See you in hell.

Kristy Lee Cook, the great white hope for worshipers of Jesus, NASCAR and Lee Greenwood, was sadly eliminated from American Idol on Wednesday. However, she just announced that she’s engaged to be married.

A day after her American Idol ousting, Kristy Lee Cook announced she is getting hitched. Cook, 24, said her 25-year-old beau, Andrew Dobner, first popped the question on March 17. They kept the news “on the down-low” because “I just wanted to be focused on Idol” (Us)

Kristy Lee Cook reminds me of Kristy Swanson (back in the day) a little bit. I’m gonna miss her. Not only from American Idol, but from being a hot little country chick with Jesus on her side. Everybody knows that it’s the dream of all smokin’ hot country girls to get married early, cut her hair short, and get fat so she can quit her job and drive the kids to school in a minivan filled with french fries and M&M’s. Sometimes I take out my high school yearbook and just weep at what the world has lost. Momento Mori, Kristy.

Now that we’re down to the final 6 on American Idol and my country hottie Kristy Lee Cook is gone, I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the good old days. A time when American Idol contestants felt it was their God given right to bring scandal and nudity to a prime time family show. I miss Antonella Barba, my Jersey queen.

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