Lennox Miller
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Posts by Lennox Miller
The Debut of Heidiwood
Apr 14th
Heidi Montag launched her clothing new line, “Heidiwood for Anchor Blue,” in La-La Land this weekend, thus proving that people with special needs really can do it all! See, Heidi is what my grandmother would call “touched.” She’s touched with delusions of grandeur, a lot of stupidity, a terrible voice, poor taste in men, and I’m pretty sure she’s been touched with a bit of Down’s Syndrome as we’ve suggested here before. So congratulations to Heidi for showing that those with small brains (and big, fake boobs) can live full lives. She’s truly an inspiration to all!
Rock of Love II Finale Recap
Apr 14th
Rock of Love II Recap:
Bret’s time with Ambre and Daisy in Cancun starts off with the usual VH1 find-love-reality-show 5 minute dinner. During dinner, Daisy basically asks Bret if he thinks she’s smart like Ambre or if he just wants her for sex. Of course Bret evades the question by saying that he thinks she needs to connect more. Then Ambre starts analyzing Daisy’s whore modus operandi , but it’s Ambre I feel sorry for because I really see the situation as one unhappy family where Ambre is Daisy’s mom and is trying to cut her down to make sure that stepdaddy won’t try to sleep with her. But he already has.
When the girls return to their hotel room, the obligatory insult-trading begins. Daisy tells Ambre that she’s not hot and sexy and not comfortable in her body. After defending herself, Ambre tells the camera, “Okay Daisy’s hot. Surgery can make me hotter. But surgery won’t make her smarter.†Amen. I don’t think there’s anything that could make Daisy smarter short of a brain transplant.
Okay, the only thing that really needs to be said about Ambre and Bret’s solo date is that at dinner Ambre literally opens her legs while wearing a dress to show him that she’s not wearing any underwear. Not that it needs to be said because having sex on the individual dates is a given on VH1 reality shows, but Ambre spends the night with Bret.
Then on Daisy and Bret’s solo date, Daisy pukes from being seasick. But that doesn’t prevent them from having sex. Bret cares a lot about Daisy so he chooses the bed inside his suite to jump Daisy as opposed to the bed on the patio where he screwed Ambre. Awww, he must really loves her to go through that effort for her.
The next morning the girls fight some more, and we casually find out 12 episodes into the show that (no surprise!) Daisy is a stripper and not a professional struggling musician. But even though her body is killer, she must really suck at what she does though since she can’t make enough to move out of the one-bedroom apartment that she shares with her ex-boyfriend.
And Bret Chooses . . .
And in the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, it’s final decision time. Okay, Ambre’s dress is actually hot. I’m terribly surprised. She so did not go shopping at Anne Taylor this time. Daisy of course pulls out what is obviously a work dress. Bret follows the show’s formula and tells each girl what he likes and doesn’t like about them, and then the girls cry a lot. Then Bret calls Daisy to him . . . and dismisses her since, as my boyfriend put it, “He could have 30 of her in every city.” Amen. And so, Ambre is Bret’s “Rock of Love” . . . until production shuts down about an hour later.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Engaged
Apr 11th
Pete Wentz is now dead to me. It’s not like we ever spoke (except for the voices in my head), but still. Proposing to Ashlee Simpson was the last straw. I guess I should suck it up and say congratulations to the happy couple . . . may your life together be filled with enough eyeliner and flat irons for the two of you to share, tragedy enough for Pete to continue to write depressing lyrics, and enough money so that Ashlee spares us from ever hearing her singing voice again. As for me, as I seek out a new crush, I’m setting my sights higher. Literally. Like on someone who is taller than 5’4″.
Jessica Simpson’s Agent Hates Her
Apr 10th
I had no idea that Jessica Simpson’s agent hated her so much. Sure, she was allowed to make her “Blonde Ambition” movie that about 34 people in Texas went to see, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is found splayed across May’s Esquire cover where Jessica’s agent allows her to appear SHAVING HER FACE on the cover of a major men’s magazine. I get that she’s recreating a classic 1965 Esquire cover with Italian actress Virna Lisa, but seriously y’all this can’t be helpful to her increasingly non-existent career. And I’d bet money that Daddy Joe ghostwrote the entire introduction to the article. With phrases describing Jessica as “hot as fresh milk,” with “breasts like plucked guinea hens,” and “a caviar body lacquered in barbeque sauce,” surely this is the stuff of creepy Joe getting way too excited while trying to describe his daughter and not that of a professional writer. You can decide for yourself–check out the text and additional pics of Jess from Esquire below . . .
