Christina Ricci Is Off The Market

I am usually pretty sad when a hot Hollywood starlet gets engaged and is no longer able to face the wrath of my penis. But today, I am not so sad. Christina Ricci just got engaged to her boyfriend Owen Benjamin. I guess I should call him her fiance now, but I won’t because fiance is a gay word. I don’t even see how they have sex. She is 5′1 and he is 6′6! That means when they are in the missionary position, her feet are kicking him in the knees.

Christina looked great naked in Prozac Nationor whatever that piece of shit film was called. But ever since she got that bird tattooed on her chest, I have not really had a thing for her. I love tats but that one is just sour for me. Ricci being the saddist she is, more than likely will go nude in almost all of her movies now just to rub it in the public’s face that they will not be getting a piece of that. What do I say? Have fun Ricci. The day I lust after you is the day I lose my penis in a concrete mixer accident.