Fatback Media

Hold on to your remotes kids, because Paris Hilton is returning to “reality” tv. I used quotes because reality tv is about as real as the chance of me winning a million dollars and getting two chicks to double up on me.

“The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend,” a source tells Usmagazine.com. “Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.” (Us)

You know who’s trustworthy? Hungry grizzly bears whose cubs have been stolen. They’re like the elephants of the animal kingdom. I bet if we gave Paris a pet baby grizzly bear to walk around on a chain and sent her for a walk in the woods that a true friendship would blossom right before our eyes. And then the mama bear would maul her to death and eat her. BFFs!