Fatback Media

So this whole story about Paris Hilton making out with and lapdancing Cisco Adler . . . well Miss Lennox just doesn’t get it. I’m beginning to think that if you are part of young Hollywood that it’s just obligatory to hook up with anyone in your cohort. Typically I wouldn’t care who Paris hooks up with—I mean who can keep up anyway?—but in this case she hooked up with someone who I passed over, and with good reason . . . he’s Cisco Adler, ex fiancé of Kimberley Stewart, ex-boyfriend of Mischa Barton, perhaps best known for his saggy, elephant balls which accompany any internet posting of him, including this one, and the epitome of dirty–like if you even breathed in the air he exhaled you would catch something super virulent.

My run-in with Cisco goes like this . . . last December my best friend and I went to see Toby Rand’s band Juke Kartel play at a small club in Atlanta. In fact, it was a small enough venue that we ran right into Toby at the bar. We started to talk to him only another guy in his group was doing all the talking, if you could call it that. He was obviously blitzed and rambling so incoherently that I thought he was part of Toby’s band because he seemed to be speaking with an accent (Juke Kartel is from Australia). He blubbered his way through telling me what nice tits I had, and that was basically the only part of what he said that I understood.

Later on that evening when the band Whitestarr took the stage, we realized the rambling, dirty drunk was their lead singer. I then realized he was Cisco Adler, i.e. at the time, Mischa Barton’s boyfriend. On stage he was quite appalling. He kept pulling his jeans down lower and lower so that what was showing bypassed his Happy Trail and moved right onto Pubeland. And he kept touching himself. I’m not sure why.

When Whitestarr finished, Cisco walked into the audience and somehow found his way to me. I didn’t know he was there until I felt someone grab my left boob from behind. I pushed the hand away, whipped around, and asked what the hell he was doing. “I couldn’t resist. Your tits are so nice,” he casually explained. Classy! I laughed really loudly out of disgust and shot him an eat-shit look. “So you’re not going to sleep with me, I take it?” he asked and pouted. Uhhhh, hell no! “Not even a kiss?” he begged and put his arms around me from behind. Again, hell no. Then my best friend hit him with her purse and told him he was disgusting, and he walked away, most likely to try his luck on someone else.

As for me, I’ll leave the making out with Cisco Adler to skanky girls such as Paris, thank you. And as for Cisco, I’m newly pissed at him. Now, every time the damn commercial for his upcoming VH1 show, “The Rock Life,” comes on my boyfriend goes, “That’s the dude that grabbed your tits! I’ll fucking kill that punk!” Every time. You know how annoying it is to hear my boyfriend get all macho and threaten to kill someone one TV? Yeah, thanks a lot Cisco!